By Roger Humes

©1998

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Chap. 1

It was a hot day in GenChat, the kind of day where you could fry eggs on your forehead. I slogged my way down the street trying not to notice that about 75% of my bodily fluids were trailing behind me in a puddle. I felt as drained as a plumber at the roulette table.

Normally, on a day like that I’d be sitting in my office, a cold mineral water in my hand, my dogs kicked up on the desk in front of the fan, and my body stripped down to my skivvies and tee-shirt.

Unfortunately, Twinkletoes5, my secretary and fiancée, had insisted that I go out and pick up my tux for our wedding. It wasn’t for two more days, but for some reason she thought I should get it now.

I threw the tux toward the sofa when I entered my office. From the floor I could see the Crazy Ernie’s Discount Tux logo on the plastic wrapper. I opened the ice box to get a drink.

I lit up a coffin nail and inhaled a long harsh drag. The impact me threw back against the wall like a junior felon having a discussion with GenChat’s finest. I wheezed like an unoiled after burner on a DC-10. God, a good smoke could cure about anything.

I unbuttoned my shirt and walked to the window. The room was as quiet as a presidential aide swallowing after a midnight conference. I wiped the sweat from the back of my neck and discovered that I had used the handkerchief from the tux. I would just have to fold it so that the stain wouldn’t show.

Outside the children in the streets were playing stickball and computer games. Their laughter floated up through the muggy air like dog fur through a straw. I checked my watch. It was only 8:30. The day would be a scorcher.

*****

Maybe I should fill you in on the background of this cyber-carnie sideshow.

I live in GenChat, a crummy little cyburg nestled like a hair on a pimple in ChatWorld. ChatWorld was created for the amusement of the bored, the lonely, and those looking for a new place to pull their pud. It is broken up in several areas of interest, or disinterest, depending on which side of the cue ball you are standing on.

As with all such computer projects there were several unforeseen consequences. One of the most important was that when people came in here to chat pieces of their emotions and thoughts would flake off. Eventually, these pieces started to cohere and form cyber-beings.

Known as “flakes,” these beings for the most part can’t be told apart from the chatters. At first the techs tried to erase them but finally gave up. They became as much of the woodwork in here as the knothole that my Uncle Elmo visits when Aunt Millie tells him she has a headache.

I am one of those flakes. The name is Moonlight, Al_B._Moonlight. I run a little detective agency with some help from Twinkletoes. She’s a good kid from the outside who had the misfortune to fall in love with me. I’ve never figured out what she saw in a joe like me, but I was never one to look a gift nag in the hinny.

I also play piano at a little diphtheric watering hole called the Tahiti Lounge. It is one those places you go to have a laugh, spend some time with your friends, and get your hormones straightened. My boss is a dame named Daybreak12. She is also from the outside and was probably who Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote Taming of the Shrew.

In fact, I was late for work there. It was time for my morning set.

*****

I checked my watch when I got to the Tahiti. It said 8:30. The sounds of chat wafted over me like burnt bacon in a cheap diner:

· Ideel_Bruin says, "ooh, isn't it."

· BlowMyHornOnWheels says, "VERYT VERY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD"

· Sheila_DeMure . o O ( the rotten bologna I put in your purse last night )

· Fox_Duchovny says, “There is a major conspiracy by the government to cover-up alien abductions from these very rooms.”

· Mysterio_Theatre2000 leaves.

· Nother_Diyed_Blonde says, "To go with the WWF sticker Whacker?"

· TippieGore says, "SHEILA answer my question ARE YOU A LESBO"

· Sheila_DeMure giggles

· Sheila_DeMure says, "Huh?"

· Gabriel_skateboard says, "WHO LIKES NOFX"

· Fox_Duchovny says, “There are reports of John_Dillinger and WolfMan_Jack sighted eating breakfast together at Rick’s Diner”

· Meg_the_Peg says, "Yes, of course she is."

· TheBloodsukker leaves.

· Sheila_DeMure says, "Tip, down with the Nazzi Bastards"

· Meg_the_Peg says, "Sheila- there are rooms for lesbians"

· Sheila_DeMure points dramitacly

· Sheila_DeMure spelled that wrong LOL

· WhackMyWeed says, "yep Nother"

· BLUEVELVET enters.

· Ideel_Bruin says, "I've always got room for Lesbians"

· Meg_the_Peg says, "Ummm, Sheila"

· Fox_Duchovny says, “Dillinger had the blue plate special.”

· Sheila_DeMure says, "BLUE!!!!!!!!!!"

· Sheila_DeMure hugs Blue

· BLUEVELVET enters the room .. looks around

· Ideel_Bruin says, "MAGENTA!!!!!"

· PhiilpMarloweRaymondChand1er leaves.

· Nother_Diyed_Blonde says, "LMAO"

· BLUEVELVET says, "Hey!!!"

· Fox_Duchovny says, “The Wolfman possibly had blueberry pancakes, but the rumors cannot be confirmed.”

· Sheila_DeMure says, "DeadPrincessInParis where the hell r ya?"

· Strawberry_jammy bounces Ideel_Bruin.

· Sheila_DeMure smiles at Blue

· DeadPrincessInParis says, "Iam here Sheila"

· _gunda leaves.

· Sheila_DeMure says, "Blue too"

· RioLobo says, “I get tired of people who come in here for a few days and think they are regs!”

· Fox_Duchovny is abducted by aliens and no one notices…

I wandered through the crowd to my piano. I knew most of them. On the whole they were a bunch of good eggs, who were just trying to unwind, get laid, or hide from their bosses on the outside. Some of them would even go to the mat for you. I kept my hand on my wallet, though.

As I set out the tip jar and started to play There Goes…, I was still chuckling at Rio’s comment. Talk about the french fries calling the cheeseburger lunch. He had been here a little longer than most, but, frankly, he still had his chat training wheels on.

As I finished my first number my nose was assaulted by a perfume as thick as the disinfectant in a LoveChat cathouse. I felt a soft shape leaning into me and something poking into my ribs. I was sure it wasn’t a finger.

“Hi, Al, decided to finally grace us with your talent?” the voice purred like a panda in heat.

“Yeah, Daybreak,” I answered and I lit up another coffin nail. “Sorry I’m late. The wedding, you know.”

I turned to survey a shape that had made lesser men crawl under tables and just look at the front of their pants. The long dark hair framed a set of lips that you envision in conversation with certain parts of your anatomy. She was wearing a tight black mini-dress that made the front of her properly stand out and say ‘I’m here!’.

Her name was Daybreak12. She owned the joint. We also had a history together that I often compared to the Black Death’s march across Europe. She kept making hints about relanding the boat and setting the rats free, but my philosophy on life has always been if anything is worth doing, it has been done already.

She continued, “You know Al, I’ve said it before, and I just have to say it again…”

“Yeah, that’s never stopped you,” I interjected.

“…I just have never seen what you see in the icicle princess. I think you’re making a big mistake. You’re marrying what you want to see, not who’s really there.”

I was about to answer when I heard a commotion at the door. I turned to see a lithe form twist with a not unpleasing motion by the bouncer. She was just the right height and the right shape to make you forget about your sheet music.

Her blonde hair hung over the curves on the front of her dress, emphasizing the fact a joe was supposed to look there. She appeared to be one of those Midwestern dames, the kind you want to take out to the Back Forty and watch run.

She walked up to the piano and said in a breathless manner that made me twist on the bench, “I am looking for Al_Moonlight.”

“You found him, sister, what can I do for you?” I answered as I stubbed out my nail.

“I’m in trouble, and I need help, and the word in the rooms is that when you’re in trouble, go see Al_Moonlight.”

“That’s hitting the knob with the soft bush, sweetheart,” I answered as I pulled out another coffin nail and looked for a match. “Trouble is my middle name. Actually, I have no middle name, only an initial…”

I was cut off by Daybreak’s pointed nail in my ribs. I guess she’d heard that chestnut a few too many times.

“If you got a case, then I’m your gumshoe,” I continued, “but I don’t work cheap…”

“I know fifty cyber-bucks plus expenses, I heard,” she answered coyly.

I ignored Daybreak’s ‘Twink isn’t going to like that…’ and said, “Uh, sure, okay, now give me the dope, the skinny, the author of the tout sheet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, I tend to talk that way. Take a load off your lovely keister and tell me about it.”

She sat next to me on the piano bench and started singing like a spastic canary. I inhaled, listened, and sat back to enjoy the view.

Chap. 2

“By the way, my name is Drive_my_Kar,” she said, momentarily rousing me from my fixed stare at her chest, “and my story’s kind of weird. I hope you believe it.”

“In here, I’ve seen about everything from a herniated SCSI to a middle aged housewife serving pancakes and sausages while trussed up like a dime store hooker. I can’t really be surprised by much of anything anymore, “ I replied as my eyes followed the curves of her body like a roadmap.

“Okay,” she continued with a sigh that made me almost need a visit to the chiro, “well, I’d been seeing this guy, if you know what I mean…”

“Oh, I do honey, we all see a lot in here,” Daybreak interjected.

“Day, don’t you have some ashtrays or a urinal to clean? I’ve got business here,” I said to her darkly.

“Well, sure, Mr. Moonlight,” she huffed. “Just remember you do have a set to finish, and if you are interested in something real and not this cornfed twerp, I’ll be counting receipts in my office!”

She swayed off with a motion that almost made me get up and follow her like a sleepwalker chasing a dog biscuit. However, I did have a case, and Drive_my_Kar had one great set of legs.

“Go on, sweetheart,” I said as took a swig of mineral water and lit another coffin nail.

“Well, gosh, I’d been seeing him for a few weeks. I guess in here that’s considered pretty serious,” she continued.

I nodded and replied, “Some would say that was almost married, doll”

“Anyway, we decided to have some fun one night. We’re both from the Midwest so we decided to relive our youth. We created an old 1966 Ford Custom 500 and went out parking on a gravel road. How detailed do you want me to get.”

“Normally, I’d go for the whole nine yards in the basket with the ball of wax, but I do have a set to finish. Just cut to the chase and give me the boxscore in the funny papers.”

“Well, we were having a lot of fun, pretending to be kids again. We’d gotten by the dry humping and were starting to find out what was in each other’s clothes when suddenly we heard an ear piercing sound and were blinded by flashing red light.”

“The cops?”

“Yes, but after they checked our chat i.d.s they left us alone. I wished now that they hadn’t.

“We went back to exploring each other when suddenly we heard a scratching on the side of the car. We ignored it at first, but it kept getting louder, so we panicked and drove off. When we stopped guess what we found?”

“There was a hook on the door handle,” I sighed in reply.

“Gosh, Mr. Moonlight, you must be psychic or something!” she exclaimed.

“Just call me Al.”

“Okay Me Al. Weird name, though”

I sighed again and wondered if this dame had all her dogs on one leash. Still, fifty cyber-simolas were fifty cyber-simolas. I knew chatters who would polish the linoleum on their kneepads for less. Beside, she was one fine looking piece of real estate.

“No, Al. Now go on,” I said.

“Okay, Al. That’s much better. Me Al was just too weird, you know? But Al is okay. I kind of like Al. It has a nice ring to it. But Me Al, I don’t think I could…”

I was starting to think that she had an intellect rivaled only by garden tools, but I let her ramble on. Sometimes you have to let them flounder for a while before you pull in the lifeline.

“Now where was I? Oh yes,” she finally meandered back to the point of the conversation. “So we stopped again and started swapping tongue sweat when all of a sudden we heard a noise like one of those enema machines in one of the Health rooms. You ever used one of them, Al?”

“No sister, I always found a slice of dry toast and a glass of warm buttermilk did the trick for me,” I replied.

She continued, “Okay, Al. Anyway, we heard the sound and saw some green and yellow lights over the car. We tried to drive away but the car wouldn’t start. Then I looked out the window and saw a strange silverish face. I screamed and passed out. When I woke up my friend was gone.”

“So you want me to track him down.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, I’ll tell you now, doll, that I’ve seen more elaborate schemes for joes to dump dames like a truckload of squids on the highway in here. It might be that, you know.”

“Oh, I don’t think Wallee would do that to me! He said I was his only one in here ever!”

“Would you like to buy some ocean front property in Arizona, sweetheart?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Nothing. I’ll take the case.”

“Oh good. I’m just not interested in real estate at the moment. When can you start?”

“Well, my schedule is tighter than a twelve year old virgin at a biker’s convention. I’ve got to finish the set, and I am getting married the day after tomorrow, but I can do some nosing around after I’m done here.”

“Good, where can I contact you.”

“Stop back here about 8:30. I might have some news for you. By the way, what’s your friend’s handle?

“Wallee_Pumper. He works in a gas station.”

“Got it, doll. Now I’ve got to get back to my set before Daybreak makes a wallet out of my scrotum. Talk to you later, kid.”

“Sure, Al. 8:30 then.”

I broke into Country Girl as I watched her walk out of the Tahiti with a sway that made a joe want to go out to the barn and milk the pigs. She was one fine looking dame.

I finished the set, cleared out the tip jar, and slipped out of the lounge before anyone could nail me to the bar for a conversation. I needed to get back to office and discuss the wedding with Twink.

Then I had a mystery to solve.

Chap. 3

I opened the door to my office and was assaulted by a cloud of steam about as thick as the backside of a butcher’s hand. The air was also tinged with the slight scent of a perfume that made my rancheros roll over in my skivvies.

Twink stepped out the bathroom. She had a damp towel draped around her body that let me know that all of the merchandise was packed in the right places. As I ogled approvingly from the blonde hair and blue eyes at the top, down the slender form, and along the gorgeous legs that just begged to be wrapped around you, I thought that this was about the most perfect dame in all of ChatWorld.

“Oh, hi, Al,” she said as her arms reached up to dry her hair and my urges fell into baser regions of my id, “you just get here?”

“Yeah, doll,” I replied as I lit up a coffin nail. “I just finished my set at the Tahiti.”

“Well, that’s a good thing, lover. I just don’t see why that Daybreak shrew couldn’t have given you a few days off before the wedding to help with the preparations.”

“Actually, I never asked her, Twink.”

“Oh, Al. What I am ever going to do with you?”

“I’m just not very good at asking people for things. You know that.”

She sighed and replied, “Yes, I do, Al. Well, you’re here now so you can help me get some things ready.”

“Actually, Twink, I’ve got a case.”

“Al_B._Moonlight! A case? You know we still have tons to do for this wedding!”

“Sorry, Twink. I thought we could use the extra money for the honeymoon.”

“Oh, Al. Well, I guess if you committed, it wouldn’t hurt. What are you getting paid?”

“Fifty cyber-bucks, plus expenses.”

“Al! I told you time and time again you needed to increase your retainer! I sometimes wonder if you ever really listen to me!”

I crossed to the ice box and pulled out a mineral water. Then I lit a coffin nail and inhaled slowly. Things were getting heated, and I figured I needed to step gingerly through the minefield if I wanted keep all of my body parts intact. Twink could claw the eyes out of a turkey in heat when she got worked up.

“You’re right, Twink,” I said choosing my words as carefully as a gymrat picking out a new pair of sneakers, “I should have said something but she was so upset…”

“She? So I get it now, mister,” she cut in with her voice quivering on the edge of hysteria, “I’m busting my backside getting our wedding ready while you’re off chasing another skirt!”

“Twink, be reasonable. It’s nothing like that…”

“I suppose she came in and just batted her eyelashes and crossed her legs and you couldn’t say no, you worthless pile of hormones!”

I watched as she hurriedly pulled on her clothes. I must admit that my mind was slightly distracted by the sight of that body that wouldn’t quit until lunchtime next Tuesday, but I had to act.

I placed my hand on her shoulder and said, “Twink…”

She jerked away and shouted, “Don’t you dare touch me mister! You just go have fun with your case and your floozie! I’m leaving!”

“Where are you going Twink?”

“To the Tahiti! If you don’t care about the wedding, neither do I! I’m going to do something I haven’t done in ages!”

“What’s that, doll?”

“I am going to play pool and get snot nosed drunk! Goodbye!”

Before I could answer, she stormed out the room, slamming the door behind her. I stood there for several minutes, the sound echoing behind my eyelids and through the corners of my soul.

I sighed, downed the mineral water, and stubbed out my nail. I lit another and sat down.

I needed to get to work on the case, but it could wait for a few minutes. I needed to sort this one out.

Chap. 4

I finally decided I had about as much chance figuring out what had happened with Twink as a gin snooter would using chop sticks correctly. My musings were interrupted by the phone.

“Moonlight Detective Agency, Al_B._Moonlight speaking,” I said as I stubbed out the coffin nail and lit another one.

A voice growled back at me with all the warmth of a grizzly bear with the trots, “Yeah, Al. This is Bob. Get yer keister down to the precinct pronto!”

“Sure, Bob, I replied as I fumbled with the matches to light another nail. “I just got to clear up some things at the Tahiti.”

“Ya like that gumshoe license of yers,” he growled. “When I say I pronto I expect ya to be here before I called ya. Now my watch says 8:30. If ya ain’t here in ten minutes yer can is going to lend a new meanin’ to the term rotisserie!”

“Sure, Bob. I’ll be right down.”

Officer_Bob and I went a long way back, or at least I thought we did. One of the problems with being a flake is that you are a collection of other people’s thoughts and memories. You can never be sure which are yours or theirs or something that they read or watched.

So Bob and I went a long way back, maybe. We had been partners on the force. Then something happened. I didn’t remember what and neither did he, or if he did he wasn’t talking. Things had mellowed between us of late, but he was still about as crotchety as an old maid with a ball of yarn.

I had meant to go to the Tahiti and smooth things out with Twink. However, when Bob yelled jump you hoped you got a big enough hernia doing it. Either you complied, or you spent the next few months scraping barnacles off of CPU chips. My social relations would have to wait until later.

*****

Nestled in that hair on the pimple that is GenChat is a canker sore called the GenChat Precinct. At one time or another every thief, felon, and personal injury attorney has passed through its doors. There they were introduced to the fine art of persuasion and debate that Bob and the force had learned over the years.

In fact as I entered I could hear a few lively rebuttals going on behind closed doors, “Yes, I did it…I created cancer…please don’t do that…I used magic to shave in the odds in the fifth race…no, not the binder clip on the testi…”

It was not a pretty set of sounds.

Bob’s door was ajar, so I went in. Surprisingly, he was sitting at his desk with a rather serene look on his face. Then I noticed the chair moving slightly back and forth. I cleared my throat.

Bob jumped like a nun going after a bottle of leibfraumilch. His eyes had that look of a man pulled away from the table before he could get someone else to pick up the tab.

As he tucked in his shirt and zipped up his pants he said with a ruddy face, “Uh, Al. I didn’t expect ya that fast…Uh, MaryAngelica did you find that pencil ya dropped yet?”

A diminutive figure popped from behind Bob’s desk, daintily wipe her chin, and said, “Oh, yes, Bob, I even sharpened it.”

MaryAngelica oscillated out the room with a movement I had come to expect from dames in ChatWorld. She slyly winked at me on the way by.

Bob stammered, “Uh, she w-w-was, uh, just d-d-doing some dictation.”

I mercifully allowed the obvious retort to slide by. Bob didn’t have many romantic encounters. Frankly, it was nice to see a dame take some interest in the big lug. Instead, I nodded at his desk.

Bob reached in and pulled out two bottles. One was mineral water. He threw it to me. The other was rotgut. He poured himself a water glass full of the hootch and drank it like a kid would a bottle of strawberry cream soda.

I lit a coffin nail and asked, “So what’s the skinny, Bob?”

“Got another crisis, Al,” he growled. “The biggest one since the last time. The commissioner’s riding my fanny like a faggot on a rodeo clown. I need all the help I can get.”

“Then spill the beans, and we’ll see where the hole is in the sock.”

“God, Al, do ya always have to talk like that? This is supposed to some high tech zone, not some Mickey Spillane on cheap wine Grade B story. Fer christsakes!”

“Sorry, Bob. I just get on a roll sometimes. So what’s up?”

Bob gulped some rotgut, sweated like a pig in a poker game, and continued, “Well, a few weeks ago chatters started disappearing. At first I didn’t think much about it. Ya know the scam: Romeo drops Juliet like a hot turnip and changes his name to Fred.

“But it kept happenin’ more and more. The weird stories started floatin’ in about flashin’ lights and strange faces. Now it’s gotten to the mayor who’s leanin’ on the commissioner who’s leanin’ on me like a senile old redwood.

“I called in all of my chits and markers and unused bingo cards, but frankly, Al, I’m up a tree without a paddle. I was hoping ya’d heard something.”

“Sorry, Bob, I did get a case today that sounds similar. I’ll keep you posted.”

He sighed and replied, “Well, I guess that’s all I can hope for.”

“So have you picked up your tux yet?”

“Well, I did but then my check bounced, and I had to take it back. I get paid tomorrow so I’ll get it then.”

“Good, I wouldn’t want me best man to be tux-less. Twink would pass a kidney over that.”

“So how goes the prep?”

“Well, we had a blow up today, but I’ve just chalked it up to pre-wedding jitters.”

Bob ran his fingers to what was left of his greasy hair and said, “I don’t know Al. Do ya want me opinion on the matter?”

“Not really, but you’ll give it to me anyway.”

“Al, I’ve just never seen what you see in that dame. Sometimes I think yer marrying her cuz ya do love her. Other times I think yer just running again like ya always have and figure her skirt is as good as any place. I don’t think ya see worse than a blind man with a blsiter!

“Christsakes, man, Daybreak is crazy about ya. I’d give my left ranchero just to get her to have phone sex with me.”

“I’ve been down that slippery tunnel, Bob…”

Bob picked me up by the tie and dangled me off the floor, “I’ve had a bellyful of your similes and apostrophes, Moonlight! I gonna say this once. Then I want ya out of my office. One peep out of ya and I’ll cream ya like canned corn.

“Ya don’t love Twink, and ya never will. Ya only love who ya think she should be for ya. I’m afraid ya won’t realize it until it’s too late. Oh why am I even botherin’ talkin’ myself blue in yer face. I might as well try to stop a dog from humpin’ a tree.”

He threw me toward the door like a bag of wet cold cuts. When I dusted myself off the floor I noticed he’d turned his back to me.

“See ya at the wedding, Al. Let me know if you learn anything from your case.”

I nodded quietly and slipped out the door like a greased eel.

I headed for the Tahiti. Hopefully, I could iron things out with Twink.

Chap. 5

It was 8:30 when I got back to the Tahiti. Outside the streets were as hot as a tamale on a grill. I was sweating like the backside of a bullet. When I opened the door the air conditioning, smoke, and chat hit me in the face like a bag full of warm dog droppings:

· 666 says, "scroll screen"

· B__stud says, "Thanks you are too!"

· BuaddaBoi leaves.

· Lil_Feet How you today 666?

· ScubbieDooDoo_98 says, "Hi Daybreak"

· 666 says, "crap!"

· ScubbieDooDoo_98 says, "Hi Spice"

· Lil_Feet whens your fishin trip Mark?

· FlashInThePan says, "but i think i have to go now because my brother is getting angry at me, he wants me to out of his room, so pity of me."

· Red_ooo_la_la . o O ( darn can't mow lawn the radio says I will stop breathing)

· Lil_Feet says, "LOL@RED.."

· Red_ooo_la_la says, "Hey Day did ya see that message"

· Daybreak12 says, "yes RED, but which saying are you talking about/"

· ScubbieDooDoo_98 says, "sorry this is really slow today"

· Red_ooo_la_la . o O ( wonder if I could time My respitory attack with the water guy delivery )

· 666 says, "i have love in my heart"

· SpiceGurl says, "SOme of us prefer it slower"

· Red_ooo_la_la says, "The Nudge wink one day"

· FlashInThePan says, "do u always use this name? have an e mail?"

· WhitePowder says, "Hot water guy Red?"

· Lil_Feet DId ya have a fun time?

· Daybreak12 grins at Red..oh YES! LOL

· 666 says, "wow Spice...i always take my time"

· Vanessa_Redgravely says, "Hey Monty Python"

· SpiceGurl says, "Cool 666"

· Red_ooo_la_la says, "Oh Powder unbelievable water Guy"

· Lil_Feet Glad to hear!!!!!

· 666 says, "and i go fast when it suits her fancy!"

· WhitePowder Red goes thru alot of water i bet

· SpiceGurl says, "I will rememeber that 666"

· ScubbieDooDoo_98 says, "ly your in Conrad now"

· B__stud says, "I use MedicinoQ most of the time My e-mail is dillweeed@xyz.ca"

· The_Chatter_Formerly_Known_As_Mark says, "Having trouble pronouncing " C's " ?"

· Red_ooo_la_la says, "Yes Mark"

· DoTheLindie leaves.

· 666 says, "yup!"

· 666 says, "at this exact moment"

· 666 . o O ( slow fast fast slow... )

· The_Chatter_Formerly_Known_As_Mark . o O ( silly bunt )

· Red_ooo_la_la says, "Me? Mark"

· 666 says, "awww...CRAP!"

· FlashInThePan says, "so, see ya. "zai jian" ( in Chinese)"

· 666 says, "bunt?"

· Gobi_Dessert enters.

· Lil_Feet . o O ( I wonder what 666 is slow, fast fast fast slow about?LOL )

· 666 says, "wut's a bunt?"

· B__stud says, "Bye in english"

I wandered through the mayhem and carnage looking for Twink. Finally, I spied a wavering blonde form leaning over the pool table. She’d had drawn quite a crowd, all of the guys admiring that legendary backside of hers.

I started to walk over to her when suddenly I was spun around and given a sucker punch in the kisser. Luckily, the joe who did it didn’t have enough mustard to cover the bottom of the bun. I cranked up my right fist to return the favor, but then I dropped it. My adversary was Cub_Reporter.

“Cubbie, what are you doing?” I asked as I wiped the blood off my upper lip.

“Al, I’m sorry, but sometimes you make me so mad I could just spit!” he yelled as he tried to stagger another punch in my direction.

Cubbie was one of my main sources in GenChat. He was a reporter for the GenChat Inquirer. Right now he was as drunk as a wildebeest and crying like an old coot with a dripping prostate. I didn’t have to heart to smack him up against the side of the head. I blocked his punch and waited to see what he would do next.

“I-I-I’m sick of what you did to her, Al! I love the woman and you broke her heart!” he wailed as he slumped down on a barstool.

“For the love of Aunt Millie’s ginger prune snaps, Cubbie, what are you talking about?” I asked as I lit up a coffin nail and disintegrated in a wheezing pile of rheumy delight beside him.

He put his arm around my shoulder and replied closely with bourboned breath, “D-D-Daybreak, you idiot. You broke her heart! Just look at her!”

My eyes followed the direction of his trembling finger. Daybreak was planted at a table with her latest, The_Chatter_Formerly_Know_As_Mark. She was doing an exploratory on his tonsils with her tongue while nibbling at his tongue like it was a cocktail weenie.

Mark wasn’t her usual type, which was young, buff, and with an i.q. that matched their chest measurements. However, one look let you know the bulge in his wallet far exceeded the bulge in his pants. Daybreak was nobody’s fool.

“Well, I’m glad she’s finding solace somewhere,” I replied as I ordered a mineral water.

“Al, can’t you see that she’s just using them?” Cubbie asked as he ordered two drinks: a bourbon to sip and a beer to cry in.

He continued, “They’re just sexual cannon fodder to her. You’re the one she cares about. Everyone can see that but you, you schmuck! God you can be so blind sometimes!

“So what do you do? You go off to marry Twink. I mean I’ve got nothing against Twink. She’s a wonderful woman, but Al she’s not right for you! I think you’re just fooling yourself. God, if I was in…”

He never finished the sentence. He passed out face first on the bar. I put his drinks on my tab and gave Frank_the_Bartender a few cyber-bucks to call a cab for the kid.

I got up to go talk to Twink. On the way I passed Daybreak’s table. Mark and she were starting to slide under the table, their hands discovering where the other one wanted them to be. I caught a look from her. I could have sworn her body said “Mark” but her eyes articulated “Al”. Then they disappeared into a private room.

Twink had succeeded in her mission to play pool and get snot nosed drunk. I noticed three empty beer bottles by her purse, and she was working on a fourth. I made a mental note to not play the jazz station too loud in the morning.

“Well, look what the cat drug in and left for the dog to chew on,” she giggled at me. “It’sh Al_B._Moonlight! What’sha matter, Al? All your skirts gone, and you only got me to play with?”

As I watched Twink rev up like a lawn mower on ethanol, out of the corner of my eye I saw a door to private room open up. Mark walked out zipping his pants. Daybreak followed wiping off her lips.

“Twink…”, I said quietly.

She butted in like a ram going to the head of the line, “Hey, guys, wanna ya to meet Al_Moonlight, piano player and detective. You know every woman in GenChat’s shlept with him, but me. Shay hi to the boys, Al.”

“Twink, we need to talk…”

“Oh, I think we’re long pasht talkin’, loverboy. I want you to meet my new friend.”

A joe about the size of redwood sauntered over. He was built like the type Daybreak usually went for, except this one obviously worked for a living. He was dressed like the guy you used to see riding off to the cancer center in the sunset in those cigarette commercials.

Twink kissed him, leaned under his arm, and said, “Al, thish ish my pool partner Bubba_Joe_Turpentine. We were jusht getting ready to leave. Don’t leave the light on, hon, I’ll be home late, if at all.”

“Twink, you don’t know what you’re doing…”, I pleaded.

She gave me a fiery icy stare and said, “Al_B._Moonlight, I think for once I do. I’ve shpent too much time being who you think I should be. Well, tonight, I’m gonna be me. Tomorrow we can figure out what that means. Goodnight, Al.”

She picked up her purse, and they sauntered toward the door arm in arm. I slumped in a chair and lit up another nail. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go home and take a cold shower or get stinking drunk and start a fight.

I turned to watch them waltz out the door. Right behind them was Daybreak and Mark. I felt like my life was walking out the door and down the crapper.

I took a long drag off my coffin nail while staring mindlessly off into the smoke and the angst. In a few hours I’d seen everything I’d spent months building fall apart like a cheap pair of trousers. The idea of a drink was starting to sound better all the time.

All of a sudden, I heard the scream of two female voices from outside. I jumped from my chair and raced for the door. I figured Twink and Day had run into each other and that in Twink’s condition their usual bantering had turned into a cat fight.

However, what I saw when I got outside made the blood run cold through my rancheros. Mark and Bubba_Joe were knocked out and laying on the ground like a pile of random firewood. There were two large creatures in silvery suits. They had the girls in their clutches and were dragging them toward an elliptical object hovering over the street.

I sprinted toward them as fast as my nicotine laden lungs could carry me. On the way I wrapped my right hand around the roll of quarters I kept in my pocket to play the slots. I lunged into the first one planting my full momentum into where I hoped his right kidney was.

I might as well have hit the side of brick wall. He slapped me away like an elephant toying with a gnat. As I leapt to my feet the second creature pulled a large silvery gizmo and pointed it at me. A bolt of energy flew in my direction, hitting me in the chest. I went down like the proverbial cheap hooker after a ten dollar bill.

I started to black out, helplessly watching them drag Twink and Daybreak away. I observed the lithe supple form of the screaming Twink disappear into their vehicle.

But the last thing riveted to my mind before I passed out was Daybreak’s eyes.

Chap. 6

I when I came back around I felt like someone had been playing hopscotch on my head with a steamroller. I also felt someone’s hands patting down my pockets. I reached up quickly and grabbed a hold of a set of familiar slender wrists.

“You must getting a little rusty, Jewels. Your touch is about as light as a blind man’s limp,” I said as I sat up and stared into his eerily serene blue eyes.

Little_Jewels was a flake orphan who’d helped bail my backside out of the frying pan during a case with some chat vampires. He was an odd egg, but a good kid at heart. However, I wouldn’t give him the keys to family endowment.

“Gosh, Al, I was just checking to see if you were okay,” he said with a sly smile. “What happened to you anyway?”

I rubbed the back of my neck, lit a coffin nail, and replied, “First, I don’t think going through my wallet is required for CPR. Second, yeah, I’m okay for someone who just had about 300 volts of juice run through his nervous system. Third, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be back at the orphanage?”

“Well, I was Al, but then I got this feeling, you know?”

“Yeah, kid I know all about your feelings.”

“It was like I knew you were in trouble. I could hear you calling my name.”

“That is weird, because I was going to look you up after I finished my business at the Tahiti.”

“So what’s happening, Al?”

“This one is really bizarre, kid. We’ve got aliens. They just chat-napped Daybreak and Twinkletoes.”

“Really. I’m not really surprised.”

“You usually never are.”

“Can I say something to you about Twink, Al?”

“Sure, why not? Everybody else has been getting on my case and beating me psychically with a crowbar.”

“It’s just that I don’t think she’s right for you, Al. I don’t know why, but you know that connection I have with her. I don’t think you see who she really is, and I know she doesn’t have a Shinpan’s leap of who you really are. You know, you’d be better off with someone like…”

“Daybreak?”

“How did you know I was going to say that?”

I felt my puffy upper lip and answered, “Just call it hunch, kid. Come on, let’s go back in the lounge. I’ve got to piece this together.”

Inside the Tahiti I leaned up against the bar and ordered a mineral water. Instead of drinking it I held the cold bottle against my throbbing right temple. I reached in my pocket for a coffin nail and one handed a match to light it.

“So what are we going to do, Al?” Jewels asked.

“Well, kid, this one is out of my ball park and not up my alley. You can help, but we’re going to need an ace up our sleeve to keep the knife out of our back,” I replied.

“You have any ideas?”

“Yes, I know just who to cut the desk. We’ll go see him in a…”

“Al? Are you alright?” a voice as sweet and soft as cotton candy interrupted me with its slight Midwestern twang.

The sight when I turned about knocked me for another hormonal loop. It was Drive_my_Kar, and I had to admit that I approved of the package laid out like a side of beef on a platter before me.

She was dressed in a halter top that made her chest stand out in such a way a joe wanted to stand up and howl at the moon or salute something. She also had on a pair of flared jeans that lent a new meaning to the term hip huggers.

Her long blonde hair was done up in pigtails. Combined with the serene watery look in her eyes, the hair just made you want to dress her in a girl scout uniform and send her to the front door so you could buy cookies while you looked for the whipped cream.

“Hi, Kar, what’s up?” I asked after I got the testosterone out of my throat.

“You said we were supposed to meet at 8:30,” she replied as she leaned ever so slightly against me.

“Sorry, Kar. The defecation hit the rotary blades, and I totally forgot…but I really wonder how I could.”

“Oh? Gosh, so you like the outfit? I just picked it up. Sometimes shopping helps me out when I am blue…so do other things you know…”

“Uh, okay. Look, I have to leave soon. It involves the case, though. I think some friends of my mine are tied up in the same thing. Hey, just what are you doing?”

“Oh with Wallee gone I’m a little lonely. I don’t like to be lonely, you know. Someone once taught me that if you massage a man’s hand like this and look in their eyes, you’ll know.”

“And what do you know?”

“That if I create a private room like this, crook my finger like this, wiggle through the door like this, you’ll follow me like that…”

When I broke my gaze away from hers I found us alone in a private room. I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. The dame was good, very good.

“Uh, Kar, I don’t really have time for this. I’ve got a case to solve,” I said as she started to loosen my tie.

“Oh, you just hush, Al_Moonlight, we have all the time in the world,” she replied as she whispered “/room secure on”.

If I had any argument left in me, it quickly was laid to rest when she dropped the halter top and gave a new meaning to the phrase “on the rack”. Then she kissed me with a suction that would have put a Hoover to shame.

“I don’t know what it is about you, Al,” she mumbled from the side of her mouth between ever hotter kisses. “ I was warned that you are crass, shallow, selfish, unfeeling, and desperately in need of a bath, but I just can’t leave my hands off of you.”

“It’s a gift, sweetheart, it’s gift,” as I ripped off her clothes faster than a six year going for the packages on Christmas morning.

It was a shame, a real shame, about Daybreak and Twink, but they would just have to wait.

Never let it be said that Al_B._Moonlight left a lady disappointed.

Chap. 7

Everything and every place has a location where it ends. In GenChat you could find it at the Eastend. Every lowlife, misfit, and johnny-on-the-spot who first couldn’t make it on the outside and, sadly, was unable to even make it in here wound up in the Eastend like some eliminate from the body you tried to flush but just watched wind around in a circle and finally stop, sitting there laughing at you.

Actually, not everyone there fit that mold. Some just marched to the sound of a different marimba band, some ran the services industry in the hellhole, and others were merely on a mission in life. The one that we had come to see fit the latter category.

As you know, they say when you are in trouble go see Al_B._Moonlight, but they also note that when you need help, go to the Eastend and ask for The_apothecary. It seemed I had needed a lot of help of late and here I was hat in hand again.

Jewels and I got off the trolley just down the street from The_apothecary’s shop. It gave me time for a coffin nail before we got there, which was a good thing because if anyone tried to smoke in his establishment he ground their rancheros up for gecko feed.

The_apothecary ran a small business where be taught the martial arts, dispensed herbs and remedies, and ran a mah jongg game in the back room.

We walked in the door and found him behind the counter serenely listening to a customer whine about how life was treating him. He looked up, saw us, and smiled that smile that said I know more than you could possibly know but I won’t hold it against you.

He politely dismissed the customer by saying, “I know…that you…are troubled…but is not the dog…who searches amidst…the cat waste…merely whistling up…the wrong tree…”

The customer walked out of the shop puzzling over the statement as The_apothecary turned to us and said, “Sometimes…one gets rid of…more flies…with the Zen koan…of a psychic hand grenade…than with the deception…of incorrect change…

“Ah, my good friend…Al…I did not…expect to see you…again…so soon…is there trouble…afoot…”

“Don’t wild popes shit in the forest, Apoth?” I answered as I stared at an eerie poster of a dragon straightening a white rabbit.

He smiled and replied, “And do not…ferine dominators of the roman church…evacuate the bowels…in the weald…”

I sighed and started to finger my shirt pocket. No matter what I did The_apothecary always seemed to be one step ahead of me. It was almost like he had been there and done it before.

“Yeah, Apoth, I need your help again. And don’t worry I know better than to light up in here. The last time I made that mistake I was sucking soup through a straw for a week,” I replied.

He bowed slightly to me and said, “My apologies…my good friend, Al…perhaps I was…too harsh…but I did offer…to treat your wounds…”

“Sorry, Apoth, but I’ve told you before, a green tea enema is not my idea of a good HMO plan.”

“As you…wish…now first tell me…who is your...young friend…and then we shall…discuss…why you have come…seeking my aid…”

Jewels stepped forward and said, “The name’s Little_Jewels. You can call me Jewels, though. I’m helping Al with this case. He said you were going to help, too, but I wonder how. You look more like a weed whacker than someone who can help us.”

Apoth smiled and answered, “Looks…my young friend…can be most…deceiving…is not the man…from Nantucket…who admires his own…member…in reality…giving to himself…lip…”

“Uh, okay, I guess. You sure you don’t strain teabags?”

“No…my young friend…but what I said…does it not…also apply…to you…”

“Well, I am gay…”

“The soul…of your chi…has stepped in the pile…of your words…wipe clean…the heel of destiny…upon the doormat…of karma…and will not…the shoe of your soul…at least smell better…”

Jewels gave me a puzzled look and whispered, “I can see that Dr. Buddha here is going to a lot of help.”

“Young Jewels…” Apoth continued, “I see before me…a mere wisp…of a lad…but I know…there is more to you…look into my eye…and you will know…”

Jewels shrugged and looked at The_apothecary. I swore the room grew a little darker and a little colder. All sound died away, even the shrills and cries of the vendors in the street. Time stood still for the instant of an eternity. I had no idea what was going on.

Jewels broke the gaze, stepped back shaking his head, and said quietly, “Okay I see now.”

The_apothecary replied, “Good…both of our appearances…are quite deceiving…but mine shall not…soon matter…”

Jewels looked at me like he’d never really seen me before and whispered, “But in ways it will…”

“Come, my friend, Al…” Apoth said as he led us into the backroom. “The mah jongg game…has ended…we may talk…quietly…in the backroom…over tea…”

I answered, “All the same, Apoth, just water for me. The last time I drank your tea I had the trots for a week.

*****

By the time I finished filling The_apothecary in on the scoop my hand was trembling like a palsied leprechaun, and I was sweating buckets of bullets. If I didn’t get out of the shop soon and have a coffin nail I was going to gnaw off my own ankle.

“So that’s about it, Apoth, the long and the not so wide of it,” I said as I tumbled a set of dice over and over in my right hand. “Say is it warm in here or is it just me?”

“It is you…Al…” he replied, “the poison of your soul…oozes through…the venom of your addiction…is not the…”

I jumped up bug eyed and screamed, “For the love of a good depressant, Apoth! Can we just get this over so I can go have a smoke?”

“As you…wish…so all that you…have seen…and all that you…have felt…and all that you…have observed…and all that…

“Apoth,” I pleaded while chewing up a chopstick, “sometimes I just want to pick you up, slap you on the back, and scream ‘Spit it out!’!”

He sighed and continued, “I see…then it is not time…that is a shame…I had hoped that…you were ready…”

“Ready for what, to whimper like a whipped vegetable in the corner?”

“If you must ask…then…it is not time…”

“Apoth, I am begging you now!”

“Hold out your shirt sleeve…”

I complied readily, but by then I even would have drank his green tea just to get his keister moving.

He removed a few flakes of dirt from my sleeve. He then placed them in a bowl and poured a foul liquid that smelled like my Uncle Elmo’s breath on the morning after the night before. He studied it intently

“This is…a special soil…that is found…only at one location…in ChatWorld…I would assume the hostages…can be found there…”

“Well, where is it?” I asked as I slammed a book on my hand to distract my withdrawal symptoms.

“It is Room 9…”

“Okay, then let’s go there!” I yelled as I bolted for the door, a match and coffin nail already in hand.

Behind me I could hear Apoth and Jewels talking as they followed me.

“He doesn’t know yet, does he? He doesn’t even have a clue.” Jewels said quietly.

The_apothecary answered, “No…he does not…”

“Well when do you think he’ll figure it out.”

“When it time…my young friend…when it is time…”

Chap. 8

My Uncle Elmo always said that if you were going to squirrel hunting you should be sure to have a full clip in the M-16. That’s why I decided we needed one more stop before we went to Room 9.

There was new district that had just been erected in GenChat. A series of steel and glass high rises, it was about as antiseptic as a lecture on twelfth century marriage practices in Saxony. Within the buildings were the new offices for Chat Bureau of Investigation.

CBI handled such inter-zone crime as cyber-counterfeiting, violations of the Mann Chat Act, and graffiti on the bridges between the zones.

We entered the revolving door and made our way to the elevator. Once inside I pressed the button for the thirteenth floor. The person we wanted to see had an office there.

I said person because I’d never figured out if the individual should be referred to as he or she or it. I had seen the ball bounce both ways and people hit from either side of the plate in here, but this person left me scratching my head when I read over the card for the starting roster, and I had even spent one night with he/she/it when someone slipped me a mickey.

I took a deep breath and steadied my hand before I knocked on the door with nameplate GypsyQueen.

A voice wafted out like a sultry perfume, “Come on in. It is not locked, but it may be if you’re really cute!”

GypsyQueen stood behind her desk. (S)he was tall and slender but lithely muscular. Her long dyed blonde hair hung over her shoulders accenting a figure that would have put a mathematician to shame. She was wearing a tight neon green mini-dress with matching lipstick and eye shadow, and, of course, her trademark thigh high black leather boots.

She was one fine looking package. However, I knew that what was under the ribbons and bows was something a joe like me wouldn’t want to unwrap on Christmas morning.

Gypsy beamed when she saw it was me, “Oh, Albie {kiss*kiss}, what a wonderful surprise, sugar!”

“Careful, Gypsy,” I said as I stepped back, “I’m on penicillin, and it could be deadly to you.”

“Oh, Albie, sometimes I think you must despise me.”

“If I gave you any thought I probably would.”

Gypsy laughed, turned to The_apothecary, and said quietly, “Apoth, so good to see you. Our paths don’t cross often enough anymore.”

“Yes…my old friend…but today we are here…to seek your aid…on a mission…of dire consequence…to all...of ChatWorld…”, Apoth replied.

“And is that Little_Jewels? My how you have grown! Come over here, sugar, and let me see what a big man you are now!” Gypsy said.

“Hi, Gypsy. How you been?” Jewels asked shyly as he complied.

“Oh, I’m just peachy, Jewels. My you are getting a big one there! You know I have a dress that might fit you just fine!”

“Uh, Gypsy, sorry, but that’s not my style.”

“No problem, darling. Speaking of dresses, Al, you must see the one I bought for your wedding! It’ll just take the starch out of your rancheros!”

I sighed, lit a coffin nail, and said, “Okay, Gypsy, get it over with.”

“Get what over with, hun?” Gypsy asked perplexed.

“Everyone has been ragging on me about making a mistake in marrying Twink. I figure Apoth and you are about due.”

The_apothecary shrugged and said quietly “it is not…my place to pass…such judgement…no matter how foolish your act…may be…does not the hitchhiker…who travels without…a road map…hope that his compass…is in working order…”

“Shucks, Albie,” Gypsy piped in, “I don’t care who you marry. I figure if it’s anyone but me you’re making a big mistake.

“Now shouldn’t we get down to business?”

I quickly filled Gypsy in on the skinny and the short of it. She readily agreed to help us out. She called her secretary and cleared her calendar for the rest of the day. Then she went into her other room to change into something more comfortable.

When she returned the mini-skirt had been replaced by a black leather body suit that was about as tight as a Scotsman on an Irish holiday. It showed that she had all the curves in all the right places, but it also showed that she was packing a little extra up front.

“You like it?” she asked as she twirled around. “Albie, your friend, Lauren_Bloodcall, showed me where she shops. I also got some accoutrements to go with it if you ever want to stop by my place.”

“I’ll probably take a rain check on that, Gypsy,” I replied as I stubbed out my nail and lit another one.

“Well, if you change your mind I should be home around ten.”

“Then I’ll leave by six.”

Without another word we left.

It was time to pay a visit to Room 9.

Chap. 9

We all piled into Gypsy’s powder blue 1966 mustang like a pack of cub scouts on their way to Hog Day to at the circus. We hit the road like a Chatauqua sponsored by a bromide and sloe gin company.

I had chosen my crew carefully. If the aliens had psychic abilities I had Apoth and Jewels, but if all they needed was a good old fashioned round house kick up side the noggin then I had Apoth and Gypsy. As for me, I was along for the fifty cyber-buck retainer ride.

I noticed the car had no seat belts. I found out why when Gypsy slammed around a corner, and I went sprawling up against her. She smiled coyly as she copped a quick feel. I crawled over the seat and changed places with Jewels.

Gypsy turned down a small lane and gunned the engine like a redneck hunter after a pack of nude hippies. We were soon far away from the bustle and hustle of the main streets of GenChat.

She gunned it left at a fork in the road. Jewels was sent sprawling against her. He quickly changed places with Apoth.

She hit one final big curve but was disappointed to see The_apothecary stay serenely riveted on his side of the seat. I made a mental note to ask him how he did that. Gypsy sighed and drove on.

Finally, she slowed down and crept along like a bill collector sneaking up on a man who was late with child support payments. She killed the engine and coasted a little further, stopping behind a conveniently placed grove of trees.

Apoth, Jewels, and I got out and started to walk to move through the brush. Then from behind us I heard someone clear their throat. I looked back to see Gypsy still sitting behind the steering wheel. I sighed and went back to open the door for her.

We wound our way through the brush, trying to make as little noise as possible. The afternoon was as hot as a jazz trumpeter seducing his bookie’s wife. I felt the back of my shirt grow damp under my suit coat. The ashes from my coffin nail dropped on the front of the shirt forming some very interesting Jackson Pollock like patterns.

From the edge of the grove we could see a lone building in the distance. There was no cover for us to sneak up on it. It was time for us to either ante up or to cut bait.