Exit Denied - Invalid Command

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by Roger Humes © 1998

 

Chap. 1

 

ChatWorld is a pretty big place, spanning more gigs than a rock band on tour. Sometimes someone sets up an exit on their own and jumps the modem, but the techs usually plug those ports faster than a troup of boy scouts at the levee with sandbands. Outside of that the only way in or out is through The Door.

Bubba_OReilley had worked the graveyard shift at The Door for years. It was a quiet shift, but the job gave him time to do his crosswords and word jumbos. He had also been able to put two kids through tech school.

All in all, it was pretty good employment for a flake. Now, in just two weeks, he would be retiring and moving to that dream cottage in the Cancun chatroom. Maybe that was why he was a little less diligent that night, or maybe it had something to do with the empty bottles of Old Ethernet that were piled at his feet like a full litter box next to the hamster cage, or maybe it was both.

What did matter was that he failed to hear the soft sound of feet landing behind him or to spy the shapes that flitted through the shadows around the edge of his vision. By the time he realized there was a screwdriver in the light socket it was too late.

He turned to see a small figure clad entirely in black. As he stared into the hooded eyes of the form Bubba reached for his nightstick. He never made it as a wheeling round house kick laid him lower than a bootlicker in Death Valley.

Bubba reached for the alarm bottom, but he never made it. His arm twitched and slowly went limp, a pointed silver star placed expertly between his lifeless eyes. One could only hope that he had left an adequate pension for his widow to pay for that cottage.

One of the figures moved quickly to The Door. He placed a small black box by it and flipped a switch. A red light started to blink on and off in staccato rhythm to the hum the object emitted. Satisfied, the black clad body nodded to the others.

They disappeared into the night like a bad hangover on Thursday morning.

 

*****

 

When Chatworld was created there also came into existance cyber-beings. A collection of the chatter’s thoughts and emotions that cohered to form conscious enitities, these cyber-beings, known as “flakes”, were for all practical purposes indistinguishable from the chatters.

I’m one of those flakes. The names is Moonlight, Al_B._Moonlight. I run a detective agency in the GenChat section of ChatWorld. I also play piano there in a little backwater hootch hall called the Tahiti Lounge. It’s not a bad life for a flake.

It was early morning in the Tahiti. I couldn’t sleep so I had stopped by to play a set and pick up a little extra cash to keep my bookie away from my kneecaps. The place was perking like a slow brewing pot of java:

 

·      Picky_your_Nosey really needs a weekend to self

·      Daybreak12BeefaroniBoy to watch the door, not her breasts.

·      Picky_your_Nosey says, "Starz..you are only like four hours away.."

·      Terminator79 says, "No Problem Chauncee"

·      _____.com returns holding a ChatWorld tech by the scruff of the neck...

·      Rancheros_for_lunch says, "brb..."

·      Brenda_Starz says, "PYN ANY TIME GF!!!!!!!   mi casa es su casa"

·      Daybreak12 "lol"

·      Chauncee says, "badness killen and chillen; night tahiti"

·      Rancheros_for_lunch leaves.

·      Terminator79 says, "it's as good as done Bro"

·      Emila_Earhard says, "I see you but it cuts me  off when I say something"

·      Emila_Earhard says, "I see you but it cuts me  off when I say something"

·      Angel_of_the-Morning34 Has to go finish E-mail, but will be back soon

·      Terminator79 says, "K Angells"

·      Daybreak12 disentangles the poor ChatWorld Tech from .com's fists..

·      _____.com ...pulls a set of brass knuckles from his pocket, wraps his right fist around it, pins the tech to the wall by the neck with his left forearm & proceeds to beat him senseless

·      WhippetGood . o O ( man this thing is scrolling fast!! )

·      Rawbonez  says, "follow me"

·      Angel_of_the-Morning34 says, "save my seat"

·      Picky_your_Nosey lights up a cig..and chills...with the PWD..

·      Smoothie enters.

·      Dick_N_Jane enters.

·      _____.com says, "mess with my chat turkey bait!"

·      SHOgirlVE s[]m[]o[]o[]c[]h[]e[]s[] Wolf

·      Brenda_Starz says, "PBC I would also like to do a Riverboat thing ...on the Ohio river ....I hear there are a lot of them to choose from"

·      WOLF_Packet wanders back in

·      DeadPurpleDinosaur looks at the clean WOlf

·      Daybreak12 hands .com his whiskeyr and pulls him off the poor Tech.. hon he's gone.

·      WOLF_Packet  hugs and smoooooches

·      _____.com throws the bloody pulp out the side door

·      Picky_your_Nosey says, "Uhm in Cinci..there is Starr..it is cool down there..lots to do.."

·      Dick_N_Jane says, "does anyone want to chat with us?"

·      Daybreak12 loves a guy that can deal with Tech Support.

·      Daybreak12 smiles

·      Picky_your_Nosey says, "Uhm @#$%{..with you as a person or your @#$%{?"

·      WhippetGood says, "Whoa!!  what's the deal with this "Tech" guy???"

·      _____.com says, "i froze like an old maid at a nude male weight lifters convention"

·      Daybreak12 giggles, wiggling in delightful places!

·      WhippetGood likes @#$%{ey Dick_N_Jane..he'll chat

 

I had just thrown an ashtray at the idiot who always requested Louie Louie when a disheveled figure burst through the door. The bouncer, BeefaroniBoy, had tried to stop her but had about as much luck as a cricket player in a soccer match.

“I need to see Al Moonlight, and I need to see him now!” the woman screamed like an ancient  banshee in heat.

BeefaroniBoy had grabbed her by the collar and was prepared to throw her out when I ran up, grabbed his arm, and said through clenched teeth, “Put the old dame down, Beefie.”

“Duh, Daybreak she done told me that I was to be the bouncer, yup, yup, and throw all the gutter trash out, yup, yup, and that’s what I’m going, yup, yup,” he rambled on like the dog after the rabbit in an old cartoon.

“Let’s put it this way, Beefie, “I tried to explain calmly, “I don’t like bullies, and I never liked you. Your skylight leaks a little, if you know what I mean, which I doubt if you do.”

He gave me a puzzled look as I removed the old woman from his grasp.

“Sorry, Beefie,” I continued. “my fault for using words with more than one syllable. Now why don’t you go play with your round edged scissors while you still got all your teeth. And try not to cut yourself this time, okay?”

I helped the doddering dimuniutive figure over to my table. I order myself a mineral water and asked what she wanted. She requested a double of Old Scuzzie scotch with a vodka chaser.

“Well, Al Moonlight, I haven’t seen you since I was your Sunday school teacher,” she said after downing the drinks and ordering a refill.

“Mrs_OReilley, is that you?” I asked in askance.

“Yes, Al it’s me, and I need help, and the word in the rooms is that when you’re in trouble, go to the Tahiti and ask for Al_B._Moonlight.”

“Sure bet in the third, Mrs_OReilley. Trouble is my middle name. Actually, I have no middle name, only an initial...”

“Put a sock in it, Al,” she rasped as she pulled out a ruler and rapped my knuckles with the shark like reflexes of a school marm.

“Okay,” I replied as I instinctively sat down and folded my hands on the table.

She ordered another round and then wailed, “It’s Bubba, Al! He’s dead!”

“What?”

“You got wax beans in your ears or something? I said my husband has been murdered! I want to hire you to find the killer.”

“Okay, Mrs_Reilley, but I do work for expenses and there is my retainer...”

“Yes, fifty cyber-dollars. I can cover that. When can you start?”

“Now, I guess. I was just playing an extra set to pick up some cash. Tell me what happened.”

As Mrs_Oreilley flagged down the waitress for another double with a chaser she gave me the skinny on the lowdown. After that it was time for me to go to work.
Chap. 2

 

I waited until Mrs_Oreilley left. It took six more doubles to get her out the door. The old dame could drink like Aunt Millie could polish doorknobs when the hockey team was in town. I signed my tab and left a modest tip for the waitress.

As I reached for my fedora I heard a familiar voice sneer like a cat in heat, “So going for the Medicare set now, Al?”

I girded my loins and turned to face my boss, Daybreak12. We had a history, one that  was not unlike Hannibal’s march through Rome.

For an instant I wondered if I had been ladling down the sauce again because I thought I saw three of her. Then I noticed the one on the left was a little taller and a little hotter while the one on the right was a little shorter and a little slower. All three of them had the kind of frames that would have made you want to go out and talk to the sheep.

“Oh, Al,” she continued as she swayed toward me with a gyration that made my rancheros want to whimper, “I don’t think you’ve met my sisters. This is Heartbreak, and the other one is Slowbreak.”

Daybreak kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, “Heartbreak’s a bigger slut than me. Slowbreak, well she’s a nice kid, but you know...the wheel’s still spinning but the hamster’s dead.”

I fondled the brim of my hat like a prom boy stroking a condom in his pocket and asked, “Well you are ladies in the rooms long?”

“It depends. What are you up to handsome?” Heartbreak asked with a voice you wanted centered somewhere below your belt.

“Help me, Day!” Slowbreak whined as she tried to untangled her hair from the bar’s slinky.

Daybreak stepped on Heartbreak’s foot as she walked past her with a look that said No Trespassing. She walked over to her other sister and started to pry the toy out of Slowbreak’s long hair.

I lit a coffin nail and said, “Sorry, ladies, I’m on a case. Say, Daybreak, doesn’t it seem awfully crowded in here for this time of day? It’s only 8:30.”

“You’re right, Al,” she replied as she tried to unhook her earring from Slowbreak’s sleeve. “I doubt if they were here to listen to you play..OUCH...WILL YOU HOLD STILL?”

I walked to the door looking over my shoulder to watch the two pleasing shapes struggle. It reminded me of my carny days when I ran the mud wrestling pit. As I reached for the knob I noticed Heartbreak was watching my hand and licking her lips. She also mouthed her AltChat number to me.

Now I knew it ran in family.

 

*****

 

It was early, but the streets where packed like a well stuffed jar of olives. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen this many chatters at this time of day. Most of them looked worried or angry or both.

I rambled on to the GenChat Precinct. If there was a murder then the fuzz had to know about it. That meant I could talk to my old partner, Officer_Bob. He knew more about what went down in here than you did about the hairs on your keister.

The precinct was also jammed with chatters. They were irate, screaming, and flashing their chat id cards at the sergeant behind the front desk. I didn’t like the looks of it and was beginning to smell a rat in the cat box. I elbowed my way through to Bob’s office.

He saw me and motioned me to sit down while he finished his phone conversation.

“I don’t care how many you have to pull off of school crossing duty and from guarding the private rooms in LoveChat, we’ve got a crisis here! I need men, and I don’t mean to hang up last Tuesday’s wash!” he growled and then slammed down the receiver.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before he reached into his drawer to pull out two bottles. One was rotgut for him. The other was mineral water for me. He didn’t even bother with glasses.

“How’s it going, Al?’ he asked after a long swig. “I hope this isn’t a social call. I’m up to my waders in this crisis.”

Bob and I went back a long way. At least I thought we did. One of the problems with being a flake is that since you were born from other people’s thoughts and emotions you can’t always be sure what were your memories and what were theirs.

We might have been partners, we might have had a falling out over something, or it might have all been some scene out of a second rate detective story someone had once read. I couldn’t be sure for me, and, as for Bob, I’d never figured out if he was a chatter or a flake.

We had been getting along better of late, though. Recently I had covered for Bob. He wasn’t one to quickly forget something like that.

“Business, Bob. I’ve been hired to investigate a murder,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail.

“Was it Bubba_Oreilley?” he asked between gulps.

“How did you know?”

“It’s connected with why we have more chatters in here than Shriners calling an escort service. Bubba was the guard at The Gate.”

“I know. The Oreilleys are old family friends.”

“Well, that and seventy-five cents will get you a cup of joe at Rick’s Cafe. Bubba was found dead at The Gate, and now it’s locked.”

“What do you mean locked?”

“Someone put a terminator on it. They also put a bomb on the terminator. The techs are trying to disarm it, but given their track record keeping this place running, I’m not holding my breath.”

“So no one can leave?”

“Yeah, but this one is different. It will let people in, and we can’t signal the problem to the outside. We’re getting fuller than Noah’s Ark when the rabbits were in heat.

“So, Al, I need your help. It’s all I can do to keep a lid on ChatWorld. I need you to find out who did this, and how we can correct it. You game, compadre?.”

“Sure, Bob. When I find them I’ll also find Bubba’s murderer. It will be like killing two birds with two peas in a pod.”

“Uh, sure, Al.”

“You got any clues for me?”

“We found this in his head,” Bob replied as her tossed me a silver star with dried blood on it.

I turned the cool instrument of death over in my hand. The star meant ninjas which were out of the usual ballpark of the league I played in. But I knew someone who could make the starting rotation there.

I finished my mineral water and got up to leave.

Bob paused from choking down the rotgut to ask, “Where you off to, Al?”

“The Eastend,” I replied. “I need to get some help.”
Chap. 3

 

I hit the streets like an overactive pancake on the griddle. The place was getting more and more packed as the night went on. There was barely room to walk on the sidewalks, the duplicate rooms were overflowing, and there was even standing room only in such private rooms as Old_Stogies, The_Bad_TVbar, and God_WANTS_U_To_B_Guilty.

I sidestepped several scuffles and a mob of irate chatters chasing a troupe of flake mimes down the street. The place was getting as ugly as Uncle Elmo’s breath after the smoker at the Elk’s Club.

I was on my way to the Eastend to find the one who could help me on this case, but first I needed to stop back at my office. I wanted to pick up another pack of HardDrives, check for messages, and get trolley fare.

I also wanted to see if my secretary, Twinkletoes5 had returned. She had taken a few days off to straighten things out with her business on the other side of the modem. I hoped for her sake she was still there and hadn’t wandered into this Babylon on a sloe gin fiz ChatWorld was quickly degenerating into.

My office was located in the Tosh Heights building. It had been owned by kindly old Mac Tosh, a fairly harmless fellow once you convinced him you didn’t want to see his war injury. He had been one of the most powerful men in the computer world, but by the end of his life he had sunk lower than my SATs.

He died a meaningless victim in one of my cases. Since he had always had a soft place in his heart and hard one in his pants for Twink he willed the bulding to her. For me that was a two way street. On one hand, I didn’t have to worry if I was a little short on my rent. On the other, Twink tended to work my keister until it glowed like a well waxed cue ball if I was late with the payment.

I stopped on the landing to light a coffin nail. As I inhaled the first drag I looked up from the illumination of the match to view a comely shape silhouetted in the office  window.

I bounded up the stairs like a monkey after spare change. In this crazy little ChatWorld where I lived my feelings for Twink were usually about the only thing that made sense. The rest of it I could comprehend about as well as my credit history.

I flew through the door and watched as my smile hit the floor like a marine giving you twenty. The figure I had seen wasn’t Twink. Instead, I viewed a slender frame sitting on my desk. She was wearing a thin cotton  flowere printed dress that acknowledged all of her curves filled out in the right places.

My eyes started with the legs and worked their way up past the hem, lingering on the spots on a dame I liked best. The image she portrayed was very forties, but the nose ring was an odd addition.

I noticed she was very relaxed, like she had been waiting for a while. I also noticed that she had smoked most of my last pack of HardDrives. From behind the smoke I saw a look in her eye that said she wasn’t overly impressed with me but intrigued at the same time.

“Hello, Mr. Moonlight,” she said as she crossed her legs revealing a little more of the leg that had riveted my eye like a hyena to a fire hydrant.

“Hello, Lauren,” I replied as I snatched what was left of my coffin nails off the desk, “what brings you up here? Things getting a little slow in FanChat?”

Her name was Lauren_Bloodcall. About all anybody knew about her was that she was from someplace on the East Coast. Beyond that what lay underneath that long brown hair or behind those eyes that glinted with brilliance and boredom, no one really knew.

She had wandered into the Tahiti a few months before and had become as much of a fixture as the urinal in the men’s room. However, lately she hadn’t been there as much. The rumor in the mill was that she had been reading some paltry cyber-fiction and had been inspired to create her own chatroom. I preferred not to know what went on in there.

“No, Mr. Moonlight. I just needed a break,” she replied as she fingered the corner of my desk and her her eyes drilled me like a sadistic dentist. “I stopped by the Tahiti to see if I could finally convince Daybreak to go private with me, but she was busy.”

“Frankly, sweetheart, I think you should give up on that one. Daybreak has never been known as a switchhitter,” I said as I tried to tear my gaze from hers and concentrate on some other part of her anatomy. “So was she still with her sisters?”

“Yes, she was, Mr. Moonlight. One seemed to be rather loose, and the other, well...”

“Not the sharpest knife in the drawer?”

“I suppose you could put it that way, Mr. Moonlight. Anyway, the Tahiti seemed very crowded, as did the other rooms I tend to frequent. So I thought I’d come here. I heard that Twink was out of town, which meant this place would be empty if you weren’t around. Sometimes, Mr. Moonlight, your lack of popularity can come in handy.”

“Thanks, I think.”

I pulled a HardDrive out, lit it up, and braced for the impact that would hit my cardio-vaacular system like a velvet crowbar. The kick I got instead was as about as intense as shaking hands with a Luthern minister.

I looked at the coffin nail. Smoke was bellowing from the sides of the filter like fog moving like cat’s feet against a window pane. I sighed and glared at the grinning Lauren.

 She had once told me HardDrives were a little heavy for her taste so she would poke holes in the sides of the filter to mellow the smoke out. I pulled the rest out of the pack. The filter on each one looked like a naked porcupine.

I placed my mouth over the entire filter and inhaled as deeply as possible, sucking down the smoke like a keggler passing beer through a straw. It wasn’t much, but at least it would delay the inevitable shakes of nicotine withdrawal.

“Look, Lauren, I just stopped by for some coffin nails and trolley fare. I’m on a case and don’t have time to play,” I said to her darkly.

“Well, Mr. Moonlight, sorry about your smokes. As for trolley fare I’m afraid you’re going to have to walk,” she replied with a sly grin.

“What?”

“Remember when I lent you some money so your bookie, Ernie, wouldn’t have a conversation with your knee caps? Well, Mr. Moonlight, I just went through your drawers to collect what is rightfully mine.”

I sighed, ran my fingers through my hair, and asked, “Okay, Lauren, what do you want?”

“I beg your pardon, Mr. Moonlight?”

“Don’t get cute with me, sister. Look you usually as about as much time for me as an aardvark does for a trip to the diet clinic. Just tell me what you what.”

“Very well,, Mr. Moonlight. I am frightfully bored and desire to join you on your latest case.”

“And you won’t give me any money unless I agree?”

“True.”

“And if I try to walk there, you’ll just follow me?”

“Very astute, Mr. Monnlight. I am surprised. I took you being a prime candidate for natural deselection, but you seem to have a fairly good grasp of the situation.”

“And if I say yes you won’t get in the way, you’ll keep your nose clean and an ace up your sleeve, and you feel you can actually help me.”

“Do bestial ultramontanes perform acts of bodily relief in the ornamental plantings?”

I winched and wondered just how many permutations of that line were going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I sighed and nodded. She had me like a pair of skivvies drying over a barrel.

“Very well, Mr. Moonlight, where do we begin?” she asked.

I replied, “We need to make a little trip to the Eastend. I’ll fill you in the way.”

I followed her out the door, at least trying to enjoy the view.
Chap. 4

 

The trolley to the Eastend was about as pleasant as a midnight bus to Kathmandu. ChatWorld was getting more crowded by the minute. Chatters were also figuring out what was happening and informing others when they arrived. The place was getting about as friendly as a troop leader when he catches a boy scout with his hand in his tentmate’s sleeping bag.

The trolley was full with people hanging off the sides and roof. Luckily, Lauren was able to conjol, flirt, and threaten a couple of beefy construction workers out of their seats. I slumped into my seat, lit a coffin nail, and tried to ignore the asthmatic cough behind me.

 A little later one of the Tahiti regulars, Knockedup_Troll, got on. She waddled down the aisle like she was carrying a watermelon under her dress and a bowling ball between her legs. Lauren gave Troll her seat. I moved a little closer to the window to make some room and lit another coffin nail.

The Eastend of GenChat is an odd place, home of the downtrodden, social maladaptive, and those who polka to a different tuba player. The streets were a zoo with chatters pouring like a consumptive’s nasal condition from the public and private rooms. Everyone was in a foul mood, and things were only going to get worse.

In the chatrooms it is said that when you’re in trouble go see Al_B_Moonlight but when you need help go to the Eastend and ask for The_apothecary. I required aid if this mystery was going to be solved. I wasn’t above eating a little humble pie with my cup of joe if he would assist me on this case.

When we arrived at his studio private room the place was as dark as my mood when I checked my wallet. I peered into the window and could make out a faint light from a door in the back. I tried the front door. It was unlocked.

We crept through the  room. I slowly opened the door and peered into the ill lit chamber. Suddenly I felt a pair of hands clasp around my neck like a vise holding a ham. Lauren rushed forward to my aid but was flicked away like a fly gliding over a jar of vinegar.

I struggled in vain against the hold, fought the impending the darkness, and managed to croak, “Apoth, for the love a new cpu, it’s me Al!”

The hold slackened around my neck, and I fell to the floor like a bag of wet turnips. As my vision started to focus I looked at the figure that had held me. He was thin with long brown hair. He wore a simple brown tunic and loose fitting pants. His feet were bare and in need of manicure. The eyes seemed to peer right past your consciousness and deep into your soul.

He smiled and said, “Al...I did not expect you...this is...a pleasant surprise...”

I rubbed the back of neck, tried to ignore the drums thundering through my head, and said, “Well if I had time I would have sent you a candygram. You always greet your guest like this?”

“...I apologize...for my unseemly conduct...but these are dark days...and trying times...the winged brid...who does not...watch its roost...will never lay down with...the cat...”

“Uh, yeah, right, Apoth. So what gives? I figured you’d have this place open feeding lentil soup to all the extra chatters.”

“Usually...I would...but first I have need...of meditation...and the mahjong tournament...is not yet complete...

“Who is your..friend, Al...she was walks...with the grace...of the wind...and the self-awareness...of a duck...out of the water?...is she...your latest?...”

As Lauren stumbled to her feet and walked over to us, I replied, “Hardly, Apoth. This is Lauren_Bloodcall. She’s helping me on my latest case, which is why we are here. Have you ever seen one of these?”

I fliiped the silver star to The_apothecary. He held it in his hand but looked at Lauren. Their gazes met and for several seconds they stared intently into each other’s eyes. I had no idea what was going on and felt like a blind man who drives up to the ATM and can’t find the Braille keys.

The_apothecary looked me and said, “...she seems...wise beyond her years...but...then...she is not...very old...”

He turned to the star in his hand. He looked intently into the polished gleam that reflected back his troubled gaze. He head shook slighly as he sighed.

Finally, The_apothecary quietly said, “This is...not good...not good at all...I sense...this is connected...with the problems in ChatWorld...I also feel great...pain...”

“You can feel the death connected to it?” I asked.

“No...I caught it wrong...and cut...my finger...”

“So do you know anything about it, Apoth?”

“Yes...this comes from...the Sweet Chariot Tong...which is headed...by the sinister brothers...Sing Hi and Sing Lo...”

“Wait a minute,” Lauren interjected, “aren’t hose names Chinese? Al, you told me there were ninjas involved. I thought they were Japanese.”

The_apothecary shrugged and replied, “ChatWorld...is often like...a tawdry...poorly written...detective...story...where the careless author...mixes ethniticies...like a defectively cooked trout...stew...”

“Do you always talk like this?” Lauren asked.

He shrugged again and answered, “...the words are like...chaff thrown..to the dreams...and set on...fire by the...passions of the ear...the bear who thinks...the honey is not...in the tree...will look until the...sun...lays down...to sleep with...the rain...”

“Uh, okay, I think. So, Apoth, you know where I can find them?” I said trying to steer the subject back to the main course.

“Where...we can..find them...my friend...”

“So you coming with us?”

“Does not...the coyote...chase the road runner...until he falls from the cliff...and displays a sign...that says...merely...‘help’?...”

“Okay, then we better get started. You got any ideas?”

“There is...a room...near here...that is perhaps...a good place...shall I lead the way?...”

“No, let Lauren go first so we can walk behind and watch.”

He smiled and replied, “Ah...yes, my friend, Al...I do see now...why you are...so wise.”

Lauren grumbled but relented. We followed her out of the door, emensely enjoying the view.
Chap. 5

 

We stepped out into a cool breeze that was surrounded by a pre-dawn glow. I paused to light up another HardDrive. I was braced for the lung numbing jolt, but then I remembered that Lauren had doctored my filters. I shot a quick dark look at her pleasant knowing smile.

I was about to ask The_apothecary where we were heading when a number of black clad shapes dropped silently around us. I turned to look at one and received a not so polite love tap in the chest from his right foot. I went down like a traveling salesman on a farmer’s daughter.

As I tried to deteach the cobwebs from the insides on my eyelids, I watched my cohorts battle our adversaries. Lauren was holding her own with one of them, laying a series of roundhouse kicks up against the side of his head. The way her right leg snaked out from under her dress was not an unpleasant sight.

I turned to watch The_apothecary. He was truly amazing. Six of the ninjas had surrounded him. He slowly turned parrying off each of their assaults. Then slowly he moved to the offense, turning the ninjas into sushi. He once had told me that his fighting style was based on the movements of animals. As he went through his paces I could swear that I could see the outlines of the creatures around his form.

Meanwhile, Lauren had driven off her first attacker. A second had dropped in front of her twirling a pair of flashing menacing swords. She gave him a disgusted look, reached up under her dress, and pulled out a small pistol. A couple of shots glanced off his blades, and he disappeared like my salary on payday.

I had recovered by now. A last dark figure was creeping up behind Lauren. I dived past her onto him, my hand reaching into my pocket to wrap around the roll of quarters that I carry to play the slots. I dropped a knuckle premis on his jaw, which left him coming up sorely short on the rebuttal.

Suddenly, they were all gone as fast they had arrived. The_apothecary stood still listening into the gloom, Lauren touched up her hair and makeup, and I sat on the ground wheezing like a consumptive John Deere tractor.

“Well, Apoth, they seem to have been waiting for us,” I said after I caught my breath and lit up another coffin nail.

“Yes...it so seems...,” he replied.

“You don’t act too surprised.”

He shrugged and said, “The bird...who puts its ear...to the ground...knows...when the worm...tunnels...toward enlightenment...”

“Uh, yeah, okay. So how far is it to this room you talked about?”

“Who can say...what far...is? Does not the snail...walk the same path...as the rock?...Or the bubblegum...that is attached...to the bottom...of your shoe?”

“Uh, why don’t we just go?”

He nodded and turned. Lauren and I followed close behind. The streets were even more crowded than when we entered The_apothecary’s studio. Some places we had to step off the sidewalk to get around the lines waiting to get into the rooms. I also noticed that GenChat’s finest were out in full force.

The trip to the room took long enough for me to suck down two coffin nails. Between the exercise and the doctored filters I was working on one mean headache by the time we arrived.

It was a private room and didn’t look in too good of shape. The walls needed painting, the windows were dirty, and the several panes were cracked. There was a weather beaten sign that read Go Away.

We tried the warped front door, but it was locked. I started to pull my pick out of my wallet. The_apothecary stopped me. He rubbed his hands together, placed them on the lock, and breathed slowly. The door opened like the legs of a prom queen at the church kegger.

As we entered we were assaulted by the reeking gym locker odor that I had  come to except in the lairs of the ChatWorld underworld. The place was was about as clean as a pig sty after a fraternity orgie. Obviously, the criminal element didn’t spend anytime in the Emily_Post_Room over in SocialChat.

The room was also as empty as my bank account by the fifth race at the track. Whoever had been here had cleared out fast. There were still bowls of rice sitting on the floor. Some were moldy, but a few were still warm.

“We...appear to have...arrived...too late,” The_apothecary sighed.

“Just hold onto Lauren’s keister, bub,” I said as I walked across the room. “They may have left an invitation for us.”

I bent down and picked up a business card from the floor. The card had no writing, but the picture on it made my huevos rancheros want to run off on a holiday. My blood ran as cold as Lauren’s reply to when I once asked her to go private. I was staring at the most dreaded sight in cyber-space, the flag of the Bates Boyz.

“Uh, Apoth, Lauren, I think things are going to get a lot more interesting,” I whispered loudly.

Suddenly, a molotov cocktail flew through the window. We ran to the door but were driven back by savage gunfire. The room was quickly being consumed by the flames. The smoke was thick as the hair on Aunt Millie’s mole.

The_apothecary disappeared into the smoke. I grabbed Lauren and dropped to the floor. The air down there gave us a few more seconrds. Besides, if I was going to punch the ticket for the trolley to the Big Chat in the Sky, I wanted to go out holding onto something enjoyable.
Chap. 6

 

The smoke was rapidly curling its way down to the floor. I tried once to crawl to the door but was greeted again by another volley of bullets. It was beginning to look grim for the visiting team.

I crawled back over to Lauren. I shook her, but I noticed she had stopped breathing. I quickly applied mouth to mouth. Then I felt a tongue curl into my mouth with movements that I didn’t know were physically possible.

Her fingers twined into my hair, grasping it, pulling me closer as she kissed me harder. Her hands moved and were desperately tugging at my clothes. My hands traced down the soft curves of her body, lifting her dress with similar recklessness.

“I don’t know what it is about you, Mr. Moonlight,” she gasped between fiery kisses. “You’re slime, self-centered, need a bath, and are male, but I can’t leave my hands off of you. Besides, if I’m going to die I want to go out in style.”

The fire around us felt cool compared to heated passions that clasped on the floor. We desperately clung together racing to completion before we ran out of oxygen. I had to agree with her for once. If you had to bite the big one, this was the way to go.

A figure appeared through the smoke and the flames. It was The_apothecary. He seemed unfazed by the fiery carnage. He rubbed his hands together and gestured into the air. The fire and smoke seemed to be almost trained to follow his movements.

He waved his hands twice around the room, collecting the flames into his control. Then he pointed to the windows and the blaze smashed through the panes and disappeared into the sky. The room was quiet except for the sounds of Lauren and I trying to quickly reclothe ourselves.

I lit a coffin nail and asked, “Neat trick, Apoth, but why did you wait until we were almost as well done as a couple of t-bones?”

He replied, “First...I went outside...to eliminate...the distrubance...and I do see...you found ways to keep...busy...until I returned...”

“Yeah, say, Apoth, we’d appreciate it if you kept quiet about what you saw.”

“Does not...the leader of...the Catholic Church...stoop for relievement...in the thicket?...”

“You know I wish I had never started with that line. Well, this was interesting. I did come up with a clue, though.”

“So you know who is behind this, Mr. Moonlight?” Lauren asked as she straightened her hair.

“I have a good idea who is at least involved, doll. We need to stop by the Tahiti so I can check out my sources.”

“Ah...the Tahiti...I have not been there...since I was employed...as the piano player...,” The_apothecary said with a wistful look in his eye. “Is Daybreak12...still there?...”

“Yeah, she owns the joint now, Apoth.”

“Ah, yes...I knew her well...”

“Who hasn’t? Well we better get going.”

I picked up my fedora from the floor. They followed me out, and we headed for the trolley.

 

*****

 

The Tahiti was packed like lobsters in a sandwich, but since I worked there we had no trouble getting in. Once inside the sounds of chat wavered over us like gas passed in an elevator:

 

·      PapasBrandNewBag enters.

·      DrunkAsASkunksays, "hey Jane, why so plain???"

·      5_ikkin says, "LMAO"

·      1BigJerk says, "Hey Dim!"

·      Tub_O_Lard enters.

·      Speed_E_Gonzales says, "Kiddo"

·      Redooolala  tries to get unlost

·      Elvira_Troll   says, "ahhhh ivan... cant be any worse then whats going on with me LMAO"

·      SpazzzMatazz says, "bean bag Chello!"

·      Speed_E_Gonzales hugs Jane

·      Bean_E_Babe_E giggles non-flirtatiously

·      Elvira_Troll  says, "WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPEED.. POKE ME"

·      PlainJane says, "Drunk - princesse made fun of my Valentines day name so I switched and  it stuck"

·      Elvira_Troll  licks ikkin :)

·      1BigJerk2 . o O ( Loves Everyone, Really? )

·      Ivan_Yananov69 says, "OK, Ill tell ya.....There I was, having sex again"

·      Ivan_Yananov69 was alone of course

·      Spazzz98 says, "How ya doin?"

·      DrunkAsASkunk. o O ( have I been gone that long?? )

·      PlainJane lol at Ivan virgin

·      TooTall2Look enters.

·      Marilun_Munrow enters.

·      DrunkAsASkunk says, "lol"

·      Redooolala . o O ( what was Janes Valentine name )

·      5_ikkin giggles at Troll

·      1BigJerk2 is from Raleigh, NC

·      Elvira_Troll  . o O ( what the hell is sex? )

·      Speed_E_Gonzales pokes Troll

·      Bean_E_Babe_E  says, "great how you doin?"

·      Elvira_Troll  . o O ( ivans hand must be tired? )

·      Spazzz98 says, "Going Crosseyed!"

·      Ivan_Yananov69 says, "When all of a sudden....welll....I'm not sure, but I think it broke"

·      Redooolala  draws Troll a picture

·      5_ikkin looks for her lickin towel

·      Elvira_Troll  giggles and moanssss mmmm yes speed love a good poke ;)

·      DrunkAsASkunk says, "hey jail can do that to a guy.....LMAO @ myself....JUST KIDDING!!!!!!"

·      Elvira_Troll  says, "thanks red.. is it upsidedown?"

·      RedooLala . o O ( I prefer it that way Troll!!! )

·      Dead_kennedy342 enters.

 

We wound our way through the place. Lauren and I were getting bumped and jostled pretty good, but The_apothecary seemed to move through the crowd like butter off a hog’s back.

I heard a voice behind me sneer, “Well, Al, I must say watching you from behind is not the most unpleasant sight.”

“Hi, Day,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail, “how’s tricks?”

“Oh, business is good. This lockdown is great for me. I’m even watering down the drinks more than usual.”

“Okay. What happened to your sisters?”

“I set them up with their own business. They’re doing phone sex for lonely men from Texas. It’s called Lubbock Nights.”

“Well, if it keeps them off the streets and their noses clean to the grindstone. Say, have you seen Cubbie?”

“He’s over by the bar. Why would you want him when you could go private with...OH MY GOD!!!”

In the entire time I had known Daybreak I had never seen her speechless. She even had a knack to keep talking with her face buried in your lap, but when The_apothecary parted the crowd like Moses going through the convenience store, she was as mute as a schoolgirl playing soapy sponge in the janitor’s closet.

“Oh, my god, Apothecary, it has been a long time,” she whispered quietly.

“Too long...my dear...how are...tricks...as Al would say...” he smiled and replied.

“What brings you back here?”

“I am assisting...Al...and this young...lady...”

“Okay. Well...Al’s got the sweet tart to keep him busy. Would you mind playing As Time Goes By for me. Then, if you’d like, maybe go private?”

“I would gladly...do the former...but, alas,...I am afraid...there is no time...for the latter...”

As I held Lauren back to keep her from clawing Daybreak’s eyes out for the tart comment, Daybreak and The_apothecary linked arms and went to the piano. While she sang the tune in a sultry voice I didn’t know she possesses, he tinkled the ivories with an ease than made me envious. They were not bad and made an interesting couple.

I spied Cub_Reporter bellying up to the bar. He was my major source in GenChat. If there was any dirt under anyone’s finger nails he knew the manicurist who cleaned them. I grabbed Lauren by the arm and drug her to the bar.

While Lauren picked up some quick cash by drinking some buff boy whores under the table with shots of Old Scuzzie I squeezed in next to Cubbie. He has quietly sipping a beer and trying to untangle the slinky from his tie.

“Hi, Cubbie, how’s it going?” I asked as I ordered a mineral water and lit a coffin nail.

“Not bad, Al, if I could only get this slinky off of me. What’s up with you?” he replied.

“Working on a case, Cubbie, and I need some skinny. You heard anything about the Bates Boyz being back in town?”

“You know Al, I thought I saw that goon, Rejectedisk, the other day. He was catching the trolley.”

“Any idea where?”

“Well, it was near the end of the line, so I guess maybe he got off at LastChance. It would be a good place to hide. You got something good, Al? I really need a scoop or the editor’s going to can me with the creamed corn.”

“You’ll be the first to know, Cubbie,” I replied as I slipped a cyber-abe into his shirt pocket. “If you hear anything more, let me know.”

“Will do, Al. Thanks.”

I turned to Lauren. After she drank the boys into submission she was finishing her con job by arm wrestling them for the pocket change they had left. I tapped her on the shoulder and nodded for her to leave. She picked up the cash and started to follow.

I was going to look for The_Apothecary when he suddenly appeared in front of me.

“I assume...it is time...for us to leave,” he said.

“Don’t do that!” I screamed at him.

“Do what...my good friend?...”

“Just appear out of nowhere in front of me. God, you could age a joe overnight.”

“As...you so...desire...”

“So did you get caught up with Daybreak?”

“Yes, she is...a most remarkable...women. I believe you have...no idea...how remarkable.”

“Yeah, yeah, you can write a tell all bio about it some day. Right now we’ve got to take a little trip to Lastchance. I’ll fill you in on the way.”

We both held back a little to allow Lauren to go first. She was one fine sight from behind.
Chap. 7

 

We walked out of the building when dawn cracked like the backside of a plumber when he bends over the sink. The streets were lined with chatters and none of them were in a good mood. If anymore came in the place would be more crowded thean a video bus on the way to New Delhi.

The mood was getting as ugly as the debate captain in her prom dress. Some of the more undesirable elements tried to start looting, but GenChat’s finest countered with a mace and nightstick discussion group.

One of the few places the mob hadn’t tried to hit was Ma_and_Pa’s convenience store. I had borrowed a cyber-abe from The_apothecary and had stopped for a pack of HardDrives. Ma had her sons, Billy_Bob_Joe_Ray and Clarence__ posted in the parking lot with shotguns. She was behind the counter with her uzi prominently displayed on the counter. Pa was nowhere to be seen, probably passed out on joy juice in the backroom.

I decided that before we went to Lastchance we needed to stop by the precinct and see if Bob had found out anything. The police station was teeming with irate chatters, but this I time I was a little smarter. I let The_apothecary lead the way. He parted the crowd like a new comb through a cowlick.

Bob was frantically talking on the phone when we entered. The other lines were buzzing like a bad hangover on Tuesday morning. He was sweating like a pig in rut and sipping rotgut straight from the bottle.

“Al, thank god, you’re here!” Bob shouted as he slammed down the receiver and threw the phone in the wastebasket.

“Just stopped by to see if you had any new dope on the situation,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail and helped myself to a mineral water.

“No, it just keeps getting worse. The tech squad is on the scene, but they are about as dependable as yer Aunt Millie is faithful to Uncle Elmo,” he replied as he wiped the sweat from his face.

He continued, “It’s getting worse on the streets, as you probably know. We got it under control for now, but I don’t know...Apothecary! I didn’t think you’d show yer ugly mug around here again!”

The_apothecary shrugged and replied, “I did not...plan to do so...but we must...all...work together...if this crisis...is to be abated...the squirrel...who suns in the tree...must be ever mindful...of the hatchet about...to be buried in his...back...”

“Uh, okay, I guess. You just keep yer nose clean and to the grindstone, or I’ll bust yer chops like a cold plate of liverwurst!” Bob growled. “Say, Al, who’s the gingersnap, your latest?”

Lauren walked up to Bob, grabbed ahold of his tie, and pulled him down to her eye level. She studied him closely for minute, like you would a fly before you got out the shotgun.

She whispered loudly, “Officer, I am not a gingersnap or anyone’s latest. If you treasure the poor excuse for manhood between your legs you will remember that.”

“Say, a dame with moxie. I love a dame with moxie. What are you doing when I get off work?” Bob asked with obvious interest.

“I assume that I can find something to be doing. Perhaps my laundry.”

“Come on sweetheart, laundry can’t take that long.”

“You do not understand, officer. I have to go down to the river and beat it out on the rocks.”

“Uh, okay. So, Al you come up with anything?”

“I found this in a deserted room, Bob,” I replied as I flipped the Bates Boyz’s card on the desk in front of him.

“For the love of the Saint Patrick’s mother’s ghost in the bushes by the creek! Ninjas and now them? Any idea how it ties together?”

“No idea yet. Have you heard about any unusual happenings in Lastchance?”

Bob opened another bottle of rotgut and answered, “Hmmm, let’s see. Well, there was one place. It had been a white elephant room for a long time. After they got the elephant droppings cleaned up they still had trouble keeping a business in it.

“Then someone opened a combination massage parlor and pastry shop. It was called Hot_Sprinkles. It was doing a good business and was very popular with the force. Then the place was fire bombed. I was going to check it out for arson, but things got busy here.

“Someone else I guess bought it. The windows have been sealed, and the place in as quiet as a church deacon on tranqs. I think it’s called The_Hideout now. You think it might be connected?”

“We won’t know until we check it out.”

“Okay, good luck, we need it. I don’t know how much longer I can keep the lid on the crapper in here. Al, you need any help on this one?”

“Thanks, Bob,” I answered as I lit another coffin nail, “but I think more faces would just attract attention. We’ll be okay”

“Okay. I can’t spare anyone anyway. I’d tell you to page me on AltChat, but the lines are down.”

Bob turned to The_apothecary, pointed his squat finger in the quiet man’s face, and growled, “I’m going to be watching you! One false move, and I’ll have yer rancheros on ice for breakfast! Don’t think I’ve forgotten about last time! I have a memeory like a horse!”

The_apothecary bowed slightly and replied, “It is agreed...when the crisis is...over...I will be done...like a wind...passing slightly in the breeze...”

“You keep that in mind. I’d yank yer chain as fast as I yanked yer p.i. license if I get a chance! Now git outta here!”

Bob turned to look out the window. The_apothecary walked out the door, followed by Lauren. I stared back at Bob for an instant. He looked like he had aged overnight. I wondered what was going in his mind but knew better than to ask.

I turned and followed Lauren out the door. She was really one fine view from behind.

 

*****

 

Lauren insisted that she needed to change into something more appropriate for the mission. She persuasively argued that not only would she be more effective, The_apothecary and I would function better if we weren’t spending all of our time watching her in that dress. Sadly, I had to agree.

Unfortunately, Lauren’s loft was in a sleezy room called FanChat in the XChat section of ChatWorld. I didn’t care to leave GenChat, but Xchat was even worse. Every pimple faced pud puller and overly hormonal strumpet in ChatWorld seemed to make it there at one time or another. The section was like LoveChat with no morals.

We entered FanChat and were assaulted the random banterings of it patrons:

 

·      MoonGod1 says, "how about some nice blunt knife to cut him open?"

·      The_amulet says, "He's really mixing up the cut and paste now"

·      CatHunter advanses on Daisy, great harm he does intend..........................................................

·      PETYRPAWN says, ""Thank you."Monica_Lewinsky"

·      The_amulet says, "Cat. . ."

·      Lord_Dread Smashes his face into the wall over and over again,then with one swift movement...

·      Princess_Shrinking_Violet applauds a very cool sentence.

·      DinoDesiBillie says, "wonders what the hell is going on in here?"

·      Lord_Dread twists his head and pops his neck off

·      SubWhey leaves.

·      Princess_Shrinking_Violet laughs....

·      PETYRPAWN says, "Willing to prepay air tickets DC round trip to any true slut (respectful, intimate loving way - no offense meant all in good fun and taste of course) that wanna get to know me better pm me your number - my dime all expenses paid including entertainment"

·      Princess_Shrinking_Violet holds Amulet close.

·      The_amulet buries her face in Violet's neck

·      Princess_lvy hugs Mother

·      MoonGod1 says, "yea he is repeating at a slower speed.. but thats because his fingers hurt from the typing"

·      Rock_on_the_Hudson says, "sorr to have disturbed your dull ass conversation?"

·      MoonGod1 never met a psycho

·      _earthmagic_ enters.

·      Princess_Shrinking_Violet smiles at Dread... a PM?

·      MotherGoosed fells the earth move under her feet

·      The_amulet winks at Cat ya feel the need to spank someone Big boy?

·      Master_Ironwood says, "Kinky_ladie, a PM please."

·      CHAT_ADM1NISTRATOR enters.

·      MoonGod1 . o O ( finally justice )

·      CatHunter wasn't gonna do it because Dausy WANTED him too, silly litle sub. Cat doesn't like the way you talk to the Amulet. Spanking publicly seems the best coarse!

·      The_amulet kisses Ladylove

·      Lord_Dread says, "thanks CHAT, we already had to widen the doorway once so she could get her head in<lol"

·      Princess_Shrinking_Violet looks at Amulet...you said.................

·      The_amulet uh oh's

·      Naughty_wynch peers at FanChat

 

It was not exactly a meeting of the scholars at the academy in Oslo.

I went to the bar and ordered a mineral water. Leaning against the bar to protect my backside I watched the s & m bondage games that were so popular in joints like this one. These chatters had more strings attached than a bad clause in a lease.

I stubbed out my coffin nail on the No Smoking sign and lit another HardDrive. The smoke jackhammered my lungs with the soothing caress of a water buffalo on moonshine. I hacked and wheezed like a ‘52 chevy. My vision blurred, and the room spun like a presidential aide explaining a tax increase. I felt better.

When Lauren came down from her loft you would have needed a shoe horn to get my tongue out of my socks. She had changed into a black leather body suit that probably had about enough cowhide to make a wallet. It was so tight you had a good idea when she had had her last bikini wax.

“Nice outfit,” I said as I drooled on the filter of my HardDrive, “you go on missions like this often?”

“Oh, I usually use it for other purposes, Mr. Moonlight,” she replied.

“Like what?”

“You wouldn’t want to know.”

We had to pry The_apothecary out of mah jongg game he had found. It was for the best because he had already cleared out enough pockets to start a good retirement account. There was grumbling about spare tiles up his sleeve.

It was time for that trip to Lastchance. The fate of ChatWorld was in our hands.

But first The_apothecary and I definitely had to follow Lauren out of the door.
Chap. 8

 

Lastchance is the final frontier of GenChat. Just on the other side of it is the chasm that seperates ChatWorld from the other side of the modem. The places collects the dregs and flotsam and jetsum of GenChat like a Uncle Elmo’s wool sweater collected Arfles’s doghair when he got too friendly on his leg.

The place was so small that it had only one yellow page in the phonebook. They had to widen the main street, to paint the white line down the middle. The zoo was closed when the chicken died.

We got off the trolley and worked our way slowly through the teeming throng. The crowd was as dense as Aunti Mille’s meatloaf. Lastchance was as full of chatters as a drain clogged with eczema skin flakes. The bad mood had followed them like a ripe pastrami, and there not enough police to keep the mob under the control.

There were several fistfights in the progress. The Partitions, GenChat’s nastiest cyber-biker gang, had squared off against The Sole Brothers, some very vicious shoe repairmen, and a group of fraternity chatters who’s idea of a good time was to pound on anyone with similar morals, intelligence, and body hygiene as their own.

We snaked our way through the crowd, stopping only to watch Lauren trash the occasional chatter who stopped fighting or looting to ask her to go private. The_apothecary and I agreed that she was one admirable display moving in the leather outfit. Her points of interest definitely perked my attention.

Finally, we arrived at The_Hideout. The room had barren white walls and no windows. The door was locked. I waited for The_apothecary to perform his magic. Then I noticed that he was waiting for me.

“After you...my friend...Al,” he said quietly, bowing slightly.

“Oh, no, you can do it faster, Apoth,” I replied while lighting a coffin nail.

“I insist...that...you...have your turn...”

“Nah, Apoth, I don’t mind, go ahead.”

“The tortoise...who is patient...will meet the snail...when the journey...is at end...”

“A stitch in time is worth two in a basket.”

“Oh for the love of Minerva!” Lauren growled as she kicked in the door.

The room was the dusky, smelly place that I had come to expect from the hoodlums in chat. I had hoped that ninjas took a little better care of their physical environment, but I was wrong.

“Phew,” Lauren grimaced, “smells like you by Friday, Mr. Moonlight.”

I was about to reply when the lights went on in the room. We were surrounded by a large group of ninjas and several large thugs who looked like their i.q.s matched their shoe size. The goons were also each about the size of the backend of the cement truck.

Lauren crouched into a rather lethal looking but eye popping fighting stance. The_apothecary assumed the pose of a crane or a turkey or something. I wrapped my right hand around the roll of quarters in my pocket.

The room was quiet save for the raspy breathing confronting us. I was strangely calm. I had been in a lot of tight spots before. This was nothing new. Beside, if I had to go out there could be worse ways than watching Lauren in her EmmaPeelwannabe outfit.

One the ninjas let out a blood curdling screen and lunged at The_apothecary who quickly turned his attacker into last week’s oatmeal. There was another quiet interlude before another ninja went for Lauren who quickly gave him the ability to hit E over C.

One the goons came for me. I rolled under his punch and hit his left kneecap with my fist. He went down like a bicarbonate soda. I quickly stomped on his windpipe and turned back to our attackers.

Our adversaries must have figured that enough was enough because they charged like a Valley Girl at Macy’s. The_apothecary laid waste to several quickly as did Lauren who was proving to be worth her salt when your hide was backed up against the wall. Myself, I was handing out more than I was receiving.

However, they had the numbers on their side. Slowly, we were backed up like an old harddrive. Soon we found ourselves side by side against the wall, dodging each other’s blows as well as those of our attackers.

Then they all stopped and took a step back. The mob parted and out stepped three figures. The two on the ends were dressed in black and were look alike mirror images of each other. They smiled grimly.

The one in the middle was dressed in an impecible grey pinstriped suit. His face was chiseled into a sinister twisted sneer. His right hand held an object that I couldn’t quite make out in the glare of the light.

“You!” The_Apothecary and I chimed in unison.

All three laughed as the middle one lobbed the object by our feet. It exploded allowing a dark green vapor to fill the air around us. My head started to spin and the room grew darker. I struggled against the impending twilight that filled my head.

It was no use. I was out like a cricket player on a whiffed googolie.

 

*****

 

There is something blissful about when you start to wake up, a certain coolness not unlike the touch of porcelain to the side of your face after a long night at Frankie’s Bar. I could hear distant voices but prefered to permit them to drift just outside of the grasp of consciousness.

When I finally allowed myself to return to reality I found that I was laying on the floor. It was hard to breath, and I could barley move. Then I noticed that I was tied face first to Lauren. The_apothecary was nowhere to be seen.

My eyes focused. We were still in The_Hideout. The ninjas and goons stood in a semicircle, contemplating us like lint in a navel. The three leaders were standing a little apart from their charges. They ntoiced that I had roused and came over to look down at us.

I heard a groan from Lauren as she started to come around. She shifted against the ropes brushing against me in a not unpleasant manner. I had had no idea that leather could feel so good.

“Well, Moonlight, it looks like we meet again, and as usual I have the well deserved upper hand,” a familiar voice sneered into my ear.

“Hi, Twist,” I said as I moved aginst the ropes and Lauren, “long time, no see. I thought you were in the pokey.”

He gave a twisted laugh and replied, “Oh you would be surprised how easy it is to pay someone to assume your chat i.d. I have actually been free for quite awhile, plotting my return and my revenge. You were lucky last time, Moonlight, I will make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

TwistedPair was an old nemesis. We had butted heads on a number of occasions. He was the right hand man of Gil Bates, the leader of the nafarious Bates Boyz, one of the most lethal mobs in all of ChatWorld.

I had run up against that gang several times and barely escaped with the skin on my rancheros. Bates and Twyst had tried to sieze control of ChatWorld, but I had stopped them. Bates jumped the modem and assumed the identity of the owner of one of the most powerful software companies on the other side. Twyst was to run the operation on the inside, but I had thwarted him.

“Okay, Twyst, I can see see the revenge, but what’s the rest of the dope on the deal? I’m not going anywhere, and you know you want to tell me,” I said as I moved the lower part of my body into a comfortable position against Lauren delightful frame.

He lit a Cybronjae, threw the matchbook on the floor, and replied between puffs, “True, Moonlight. As you might well surmise, getting Mr. Bates through the modem was a rather expensive operation. Add to that the fact I was unable to manage our affairs while incarcerated, the organization’s coffers were rather low.

“So I hit upon this extortion scheme. Fill up ChatWorld and make the authorities pay through the nose to get the chatters out. However, let’s say the members of my association were a little too clumsy to plant the terminator. The motor is running but the engine is almost out of gas, so to speak.

“So I contacted my cohorts here. Have you ever met Sing Hi and Sing Lo? I doubt it. They are quiet charming fellows. Too bad you won’t have time to get to know them. Perhaps we will let your friend live a little longer than you so that she may get to know all three of us better.”

“I’d bite it off and spit it in your face!” Lauren growled as she struggled against the ropes, her breath quickening like mine.

“Ah, a dame with moxie. I like a dame with moxie, Moonlight. You have good taste. Now where was I?” he continued. “Oh, yes, my plan.”

“I had the terminator built and rigged with a bomb. The Sweet Chariot Tong had the expertise to put it in place. A perfect team, I would say. Now all we have to is wait until ChatWorld implodes. The authorities will then meet our demand.”

“The techs are working on it. You’ll be stopped yet,” I said as I struggled against the ropes, rubbing harder against Lauren.

Twyst laughed and replied, “Oh, I think not. Frankly, those techs are diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

I had to agree with him there. Things looked pretty bleak in the state of Denmark or New Jersey or wherever.

He held up a piece of paper and said, “Without this combination for the bomb, I am afraid that their efforts will be in vain. Only I know it, and only I know ere the controls are kept. I really do hold all of the cards, Moonlight, and most of them are aces.”

Lauren shifted against me, perking my interest. I ground back enjoying feel of my silk boxers as much she probably did the leather.

“Hold still,” she hissed as she breathed harder, “I can can make out the combination. I have a photographic memory, and if we get out of this, it may come in handy. Got it! Now don’t, don’t, don,t stop...oh for the blood of Kail, yes!”

Our lips locked in a fiery kiss aas your bodies moved faster matching the racing rhythms of our hearts. The dame drove me straight up the wall, but it was obvious she knew what to do with that mouth and body. We barely heard Twyst say something about curtain time.

Then I noticed a figure appear out of seeming thin air. It was The_apothecary, and he was not alone. Quickly he launched into the ninjas and thugs with the aid of three others. One swayed with a motion that most women in ChatWorld would have paid dearly to possess and kicked like a whirling dervish. Another was a familair squat figure that obviously had seen his share of bar room brawls. The third looked about as healthy as prune but was holding his own.

Though they were outnumbered, they had the advantage of surprise and superior fighting skills. They routed the adversaries like a phone call patched through Mesopatamia.

Sing Hi and Sing Lo disappeared like a whisp of smoke. Twyst bolted for the door.

He turned and sneered at us, “Well, Moonlight, you may have won this round, but I still have the last at bat. We’ll see you in hell!”

It was over quickly. The_apothecary knelt to untie us as his cohorts chased the last of the Sweet Chariot Tong and Bates Boyz from the room.

“Glad to see you, Apoth,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail, “but you could have come about three minutes later. What happened?”

“I left,” he shrugged and replied.

“I know that. Sometimes I think that in your case that being lost in thought is unfamiliar territory. What happened?”

“I came back.”

“Apoth, can you be a little less esoteric? Fill me in, okay?”

“Very well... we were...outnumbered...I went to seek aid...I found it...that is...all...”

“Yes, Albie, I couldn’t leave you with your laundry hung out to dry *kiss, kiss*,” said a familiar voice that made me cringe.

“Hi, Gypsy.”

“Besides, Apoth and I go a long way back. We used to be on the force together.”

GypsyQueen was a switchhitter that hung out in GenChat. She/he/it was also an agent for the ChatWorld Bureau of Invesitgation. She was one touch customer and had bailed my cookies out of the fire before.

“And when The_apothecary...seeks aid...I can’t refuse...,” said a whizen figure that suddenly appeared beside us.

“And who are you, pops?” I asked.

“I am...The_Really_Old_Guy...just another resident...of the Eastend....”

“What are you going to do, gum them to death?”

Instead of answering he took hold of my left arm and laid me flat with a wrist lock. I struggled in vain agisnt it while The_apothecary and he talked about forming a new mah jongg game. Finally, I tapped the floor three times, and he let me up.

“I’ve know Apothercary fer a long time, too,” said another voice that made me cringe more than Gypsy’s, “and gosh darnit, it someone’s gonna mess with my boy they got to amswer to my knuckle pita.”

I sighed and said, “Hello, Uncle Elmo. Long time, no see.”

“You bet your Aunt Millie’s diaphram it’s been too long, Al. When you gonna come home fer Sunday dinner?”

“Sorry, Uncle Elmo, but I’ve sworn off whole wheat sloe gin pancakes.”

I turned to Lauren and her bemused grin and asked, “So you did get the combination?”

“Yes, I did, Mr. Moonlight. But how will it help us when we have no idea where the controls are?”

“Oh, we might have clue,” I said as I lit a coffin nail.

I walked over to where Twyst had dropped the matchbook. My foe was smart but tended to get a little cocky and sloppy at times. I looked at the address on the matchbook and nodded to myself.

I turned to my companions and asked, “Anybody got trolley fare? We’ve got to get back to the MainDistrict.”
Chap. 9

 

When we got to the trolley it was even more crowded than we came to Lastchance. The_apothecary and The_Really_Old_Guy found some room in the 3rd ChatWorld section on the roof. Meanwhile, Uncle Elmo bulldozed his way into the main compartment. He grabbed two rather wimpy looking chatters by the collars and threw them out of their seats to make room for the “ladies”.

Uncle Elmo and I stood next to their seat slammed against each other like sardines in a phone booth. That is when I remembered that my uncle lent a new meaning to the phrase “sweating like a stuck pig” and how seldom he bathed.

He was engaged in an animated discussion with Gypsy. Uncle Elmo seemed to be taking quite a shine to her/him/it, which wasn’t surprising. His only criteria was if Gypsy was breathing.

“Uh, Uncle Elmo, I need to tell you about her,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail.

“Land o’ sakes, boy, cain’t ya see I’m busy,” he breathed into my face with breath that would have knocked a buzzard off a meat wagon.

“Gypsy’s a cop, Uncle Elmo.”

“Heck, boy, I been with cops before. Remember Officer_Marge back home? She was quite nice, especially when she took out her partial plate, if ya know what I mean.”

“Uh, I’d rather not. No, Uncle Elmo, Gyspy’s not what Gypsy seems.”

“Ya mean she pads? Heck, boy, what I’m lookin’ fer is at the other end.”

“No, Uncle Elmo, let’s just say if Gypsy would count on her digits she could get to twenty-one.”

“Land o’ lakes tarnation! Boy, ya mean Gyspy’s one of those fancy boys.”

“You got it.”

“Such a shame. Real nice lookin’ one, too.

“So how you been, boy? I haven’t seen you in a coon’s age.”

“I can’t complain.”

“Ya’ll lookin mighty thin thar. Ya eatin’ and sleepin’ right? Ya gittin’ to dip your wick enough? That left handed stuff can make a fella blind, ya know.”

“I’m doing okay, Uncle Elmo, really.”

“Well, okay. Heck both of ya boys turned out such a disappointment. Willie I could see. That boy was just born mean. Remember when he took Arfles to the mall and tied him in the revolvin’ door and put some hamburger in the other panel? Thought that poor mutt was gonna have a heart attack.”

“How is Arfles?”

“He died, boy.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“That’s just life in this ol’ world, boy. Ya take the shakes it gives ya and say hoodie doodie back. He did make a good stew though. Always said any meat could be tender if ya cook it long enough.

“Now where was I? Oh yeah, that Willie was born plumb mean. Course, according to yer Aunt Millie he could do wrong. She still thinks he’s in jail cuz ya set him up.

“But ya, boy. Al, christalord, ya had a junior colllege education. Ya could have been somebody. Now look at ya. Just some piano plunker and nosey new-bob in GenChat. But, heck tarnation, I still love ya like you were my son.”

“I am, Uncle Elmo. You adopted me.”

He clamped a bear hug on me that reminded of just how often the man did clean himself and how his whisker stubble was as hard as diamonds and as sharp as Daybreak’s tongue. Then he turned back to talk to Gypsy and Lauren. I guess there was nothing left to say.

 

*****

 

We got off the trolley and walked straight into a riot. The flake mimes had taken it up to the chins of their waders and were fighting back. It was pathetic. All of their weapons were imaginary. While they attacked with invisible clubs the chatters retaliated with real brass knuckles, cans of mace, etc. There was blood and facepaint dripping in the gutters.

Gypsy dropped the rioter that approached her with a high heel love tap to the right temple. Lauren made one wish that he’d never been born male. As I dodged a punch and took out someone at the kneecaps I looked at Uncle Elmo. He was in his element.

Somewhere he’d picked up the leg of a bar stool and was laying them low left and right. I hadn’t seem him that happy since he spent the night with the lapdancer from my senior prom.

The_apothecary and The_Really_Old_Guy suddenly appeared. They closed their eyes and waved their hands over their heads. It was like we’d gone on a Sunday holiday and no one could see what was going on in the backseat of car.

“It’s about time you got here,” I panted as I reached for a coffin nail.

The_apothecary shrugged and replied, “I am...sorry...we had...to finish...the mah jongg game...first...”

“Tarnation, that was fun, boy!” Uncle Elmo roared as he leaned against Lauren. “Wheew, I ain’t had no such fun since I laid out Millie with her own fryin’ pan.”

Lauren disgustedly disengaged herself from the sweaty old wretch and asked, “So, Mr. Moonlight, to where do we need to proceed?”

Before I could reply she turned to Uncle Elmo and said calmly,  “And touch me again you pathetic creature, I will rip your manhood out through your throat.”

“Land o’ goshen by the old whizzin’ tree, boy!” Uncle Elmo spoke as be grinned his near toothless smile. “This dame’s got moxie! And ya know how I like a dame with moxie. Not like that limp wrist lilly willow Twinkletoes ya’ll always moonin’ over, boy.”

I ignored my uncle and told Lauren, “I figure the best place to check would be the address on this matchbook, but first we need to get some more help to face that army of ninjas and goons.

“Apoth and Pops, you need to go back to the Eastend and get some of your kung fu wizards. Gypsy, go to the precinct and get whoever Bob can spare. Lauren, you head to the Tahiti and round up every chatter and flake who can shoot or throw a punch.”

“What about me, boy?” Uncle Elmo asked. “I ain’t no wimp bottomed karate kicker or fancy pants decked out in leather, but I can help, ya know.”

“Okay, Uncle Elmo. I want you to take that club and lay into this crowd like tomarrow was last Sunday. Help the cops for a change.”

“A fight, yee haw, here I go!” he exclaimed as he grabbed the nearest mime and punched him until the mummer screamed.

“And what will you do in the meantime, Mr. Moonlight?” Lauren asked.

“I’ve got to run to my office. I have a little insurance that might come in handy,” I answered as I lit another coffin nail and admired the way her chest moved when she talked.

We split up and went our separate ways.

This was our last chance. There was no turning back from whichever way the mold was cast and where the dice would fall whichever way they could. The water was under the bridge and the fat lady had picked up her sheet music and was ready to sing.

Sometimes, I didn’t even understand what I was thinking.
Chap. 10

 

I bounded up the stairs of Tosh Heights. On the way I checked my watch. It said 8:30. I stopped by my office, but no one was there. Twink hadn’t returned, which was for the best. The last thing I needed was to worry about her safety. Still, I missed the dame. She was a special cup of tea in my book of cards.

I headed down the hall to the next room. On the door was a sign that read JSitwell. I could hear the strains of Souza pounding through the walls. I knocked hard to get his attention.

The door was opened by an older man in army fatigues. He was sucking on an unlit stogie. He surmised me for a minute and stepped out into the hall to talk. I had never been in his flat. In fact as far as I knew only Twink ever had been given entry, and she never would say what was in there.

“Hi, Vinegar,” I said as I lit up a coffin nail, “how goes the war?”

“Fine, Al. What can I do for you?” he replied in a voice as crisp as the crease on his trousers.

“We got our backs up against the wall, Vinegar, and could use your help. You up for a ride?”

His eyes gleamed with a manic blaze as he thundered, “Bring out Molly? You bet I will, soldier! It’s been a long time since WW II! Where do you need me?”

I handed him the address and started walk away. I heard his throat clear behind me. I sighed and turned to give him a crisp salute. He was already wearing his battle helmet with the stars on it.

Some peopl’s idea of insurance is to have an agent come over from Infidelity Life, plunk down some dough, and sign their names on a dotted line. For me, I was more comfortable with someone like Vinegar.

No one knew who he really was. The real JSitwell had died long ago. Whether he was his son or a distant relative or just some history buff that would rather play that game than have his pud pulled in a private room, it didn’t matter. What did count was Molly, and he knew how to use her.

I walked quickly out of the building. My watch said 8:30. It was time to get back and start this show on the road to if see we could play Broadway after we made it in Lubbock.

 

*****

 

I was the first to return. The riot had ended. Uncle Elmo had found some cronies, and they were sitting around an imprompto camp fire in the middle of the street. One of them had produced a bottle of Old Scuzzie. They passing it around the circle while singing obscene versions of Boy Scout campfire songs.

“Hello there, boy,” Uncle Elmo said as he handed me the bottle. “I ain’t had this much fun in a month of Tuesday nights at the stripper bar! I found some new friends here. A bunch of good ol’ boys. Dirt under their nails, but their hearts as black as a coal mine. My kind of folk.”

I handed the bottle back to him and said, “So you got the riot under control? Good. The others should be here soon, and then we’ll make our move.”

“What the matter, boy? Ain’t our hootch good nuff for an educated guy like ya? Or are ya still on that no sauce kick? I swear, boy, it’s a waste. Ya used to be able to drink with the best of ‘em.”

“That was the problem, Uncle Elmo. I was too good at it.”

I looked down the street and saw Bob walking up. By Bob’s side trod Chief_Pat, the firechief. He was a sawed off Irishman with a nose like a potato and a thirst like desert wind on a sunny afternoon. You could have used his face for a roadmap.

Behind them marched a contingent of GenChat’s police and firemen. They were a plucky crew, singing songs not unlike the ones Uncle Elmo’s friends were belting out. I was delighted at the number who arrived. We were going to need all of the help we could get.

“I brought all I could spare, Al. You better be right about this one, cuz we could explode like buttermilk out of a rummie if this doesn’t work out,” Bob said.

“Aye, laddie,” chimed in Chief_Pat, “course me and the lads are not ones to lay back from a scrape if ye catch me drift.”

Then I heard a sound from the other side of the street. I turned to view the crowd arriving from the Tahiti. They were lead by Lauren, Gypsy and Daybreak, who were engaged hip swaying contest. Beside them walked Cubbie, the slinky still attached to his tie.

“Hi, Al,” Daybreak said as she sidled up to me with movement that made my rancheros ache, “glad to see me or is that a roll of quarters in your pocket?”

“Quarters,”  I replied, “glad you could make it. You think you’re up for this?”

“I sharpened my nails on the way. So what’s the lowdown?”

“I think I know where the controls for the bomb on the terminator is located, but it’s going to take an army to bust in there. We’re up against the Bates Boyz and some fairly nasty ninjas. We beat them off like a cheap rug earlier, but now they’ll be ready and have all of their forces there. Anyone seen The_apothecary?”

“He ain’t back yet, boy,” Uncle Elmo said. “It’ a long piece down the road to Eastend and back. Say, my buddies here want to help. They’re always lookin’ fer a face or head to bust in.”

“Sure, Uncle Elmo, bring them along.”

“The mimes want to come along too, boy.”

“Sure, why not? We better get started. The longer we wait the more entrenched they’ll be. Apoth will just have catch up when he gets here.”

I figured the cops and the firefighters were the most organized so I deployed them in the center. I placed the Tahiti crowd on the left flank and Uncle Elmo’s crew on the right. As for the mimes they just tagged along strutting like peacocks in heat. I was worried about Apoth. Without his kung fu fighters I didn’t know if we could handle the ninjas.

We marched silently down the street picking up a few more chatters and flakes who wer looking for a fight. The place was so quite you could have heard an anvil fall in the butcher shop. There was no turning back now.

The address on the matchbook was for a private room called The_ol’_watering_hole. When we arrived there was a veritable army of ninjas and Bates Boyz waiting for us. The Sweet Chariot Tong faced our left flank, each one eerier and with a sharper sword than the last. On our right and center were the Bates Boyz, each one as foul as a chicken in the crapper. Sing Hi and Sing Lo stood armed with swords in front of their ninjas. TwystedPair stood behind the Bates Boyz, near the door to the room.

Both sides stood silently for a long time studying each other. Everyone knew the portent of this clash, and neither side wanted to make a bad move. Then Uncle Elmo screamed something about the similarity between one of the Batez Boyz’s mother and female dog. The battle was on.

I was in the middle when the two side clashed like a striped pair of pants and a polka dot shirt. I dodged a round house right from a thug and spun him in time for his back to connect with a ninja’s sword. Then I kicked around him catching the ninja in the face with my shoe.

I moved back a little to catch a better view of the battle. Uncle Elmo and the good o’l boys were wasting the Bate Boyz like a sunny day. In the center the cops and firemen were holding their own against the ninjas and thugs.

However, our left flank was a different matter. The Tahitians were taking it on the chin from the ninjas. I caught sight of Gypsy and Lauren. They were squared off against Sing Hi and Sing Lo. It looked like theie personal duels were going to take awhile.

I noticed several ninjas stumbling, screaming, and holding their eyes. Daybreak was sneaking up behind them, jumping on their backs, and clawing at their faces. The dame knew how to fight dirty when it counted. Suddenly, the fight swirled over me, and I lost sight of her.

I sidestepped another lumbering ox of a thug, tripping him as he went by. I jumped on his back, grabbed ahold of his hair, and made sure his face had a good conversation with pavement. A ninja lunged for me, his sword handle connecting with the right side of my head. I rolled to lessen the impact, connecting my foot to his right kneecap on the way. As he fell I wrapped my right hand around the roll quarters and Sunday punched him to next Wedneday.

As I got to my feet, Chief_Pat ran up to me. His helmet was gone, and his clothes were torn. Blood streamed down his face from the slash of a ninja’s sword. He looked almost sober.

He grabbed my arm and screamed, “Laddie, it’sa the left flank! She’sa collapsin’. We canna hold it again those ninjas much longer!”

“Send in the mimes!” I screamed in reply.

“We canna do that laddie! They’ll be slaughtered like a farmer straightenin’ a sheep!”

“I don’t care! We’ve got to buy time, and the mimes are only cannon fodder we’ve got!”

I turned back to the battle and was blindsided by a Bates Boyz’s fist. I went down like a bottle of Old Council Bluffs Red Port. As he readied himself for the kill I kicked out with my foot and caught him in the rancheros. He fell straight into my other foot which had a brief verbal debate with his face. I turned to look at the left flank.

Bravely, the mimes marched into the carnage, armed only with their imaginary swords. The ninjas were puzzled at first. Then they proceeded to start cutting down the stalwart but pathetic street actors. I watched the mimes go unflinching into the butchery and thought that I had never seen such magnificient bastards.

However, the mimes did buy us the time we needed. Out of nowhere Th_apothecary and The_Really_Old_Guy appeared with a coterie of Eastenders. They proceeded to tie into the ninjas with their Oriental 3 Stooges style of fighting. The battle started to swing to our favor.

Apoth materialized beside me and said, “I am...back...”

“Obviously...,” I replied.

Behind us I heard a rumble a approach. I looked toward the door at Twyst. His faced blanched three shades of white. He quickly stepped back and slammed the door shut. A fat lot of good it would do him.

Bob ran up to me and screamed, “What in the name of great Ceasar’s ghost’s flannel pajamas is that?”

“Just cashing in our insurance,”  I answered.

We turned to see JSitwell approach in Molly, his Sherman tank. The Bates Boyz immediately gave up and ran like a cheap pair of hose. Most of the ninjas did too. However, the Sing brothers and a hardcore cadre remained.  I turned to watch the end of the fight.

Sing Lo was matched against Gypsy. They circled each other like vultures over a fast food resturant. Both feinted and faked, but neither wanted to make the first move. Finally, the ninja swung with his sword. Gypsy sidestepped the blow and connected with one of her patented Savate kicks to his right temple. He went down like a bad Italian dinner.

Meanwhile Lauren was engaged with Sing Hi. They too grimly circled each other. Lauren feinted right, then lunged at him from the left. He was ready and glanced the side of her head with his sword handle as she rolled by.

Eagerly, he moved toward the prone Lauren sensing the kill was at hand. However, she somehow reached inside her bodysuit and produced a gun. She pulled the trigger, a clean shot to the shoulder that forced him to drop his sword and fall to his knees. Lauren walked up to him and coldcocked him with the handle of the revolver.

Before she walked away, she looked down at him and said grimly, “Welcome to the West.”

The rest of the Sweet Chariot Tong surrendered.

We had won the battle. Now only one thing remained. We needed to get into the room and disarm the bomb.
Chap. 11

 

The door to the room was locked tighter than a pitbull’s teeth on a postal worker’s backside. There was no keyhole on the outside so my pick was useless. In addition, tyhe ninjas had placed a spell on the door, and neither The_apothecary or The_Really_Old_Guy seemed to be able to counter it.

“If I had some dynomite I could blast lit off the hinges like fishing for bullheads with an electric highline,” Uncle Elmo said while readjusting his drawers.

“No need for that, soldier,” Jsitwell barked, “just clear everyone out of the way. Molly and I will take care of it!”

We stood back and watched the Serman tank plow through the door like a toddler biting into a snowcone. Once again my belief in sound insurance policy had paid off.

I burst through the opening, followed closely by Uncle Elmo, The_apothecary, The_Really_Old_Guy, Gypsy, and Lauren. We were greeted by a crew of

Bates Boyz and ninjas. It turned into a savage hand to hand duel.

Slowly we pushed them back into the hallway. I ducked a blow from a Bate Boy, spun behind him, and dropped a punch into his gut. He went down faster than a middle aged housewife in XChat.

I turned to see Lauren deck a ninja like a Christmas tree. Gypsy was involved in a wild duel with two ninjas. The_apothecary and The_Really_Old_Guy were likewise engaged. Meanwhile Uncle Elmo was using his table leg to beat the stuffings out of a Bates Boyz.

"You may have won still another battle, Moonlight, but I will take my revenge!" sneered TwystedPair as he disappeared down the hallway.

The fighting started to bog down. Our adversaries had backed into the hall. Jammed tighter than a size 12 body in a size 4 dress they halted our progress. Twyst was getting away.

"We need to bust a hole to get through!" I yelled at my comrades in arms.

The_apothecary, Gyspy, and Uncle Elmo complied. They turned together and rammed into the enemy like a epileptic halfback. The thugs and ninjas wavered.

Briefly a hole opened in their defense. Lauren and I tumbled through.

She raced down the hall like an over-active enema. I followed but could not keep up with the pace of her youthful legs. On one hand I was concerned that she was alone. On the other, as usual, she was quite the entertaining sight to follow from behind.

"Wait, Lauren," I gasped, "you need someone to cover your back."

"Sorry, Mr. Moonlight, I do believe you have covered my back enough for one adventure," she replied as she shot around the corner.

Maybe was I being a little careless, or maybe I was overly concerned about Lauren. Either way I let my guard down like a tackle missing a chop block. I turned the corner and ran into a huge lumbering shape like a VW Beetle hitting a banana truck.

The form was Rejectedisk, Twyst's right hand goon. I had had my run ins before with him and usually came up on the short of the stick looking up from the crapper. I had dropped him once with a rabbit punch to the kidney, but I doubted if he would let me get that close again.

I was right. He picked me up by the neck like a bruised piece of fruit and pulled me close to his face. A leering grin of pure bestial stupidity greeted as well as a whiff of some of the worst oral hygiene in ChatWorld.

"Well's, Moonlight, we's meet agin. Dis time yas goes down permanent. Good ting da boss broke me outta da slammer, too," he spittled into my face.

I struggled against his iron like grip. It was to no avail. I felt the room spin around me and start to grow slowly black. I flailed my feet helplessly trying to reach a kidney or another soft spot, but he held me too far away from his body.

Suddenly, I heard a sound not unlike a melon dropping off a six story building and a groan from Rejectedisk. His grip loosened and I fell to the floor like a lump of mashed potatoes. Slowly, my vision returned along with my breath.

Uncle Elmo stood there beating the goon and yelling, "No body beats on my boy but me! You here me?"

As my uncle beat Rejectedisk into a bloody pulp, I jumped to my feet and raced in the direction Lauren had gone. The hall grew darker and quieter. I could hear breathing ahead of me. I rounded to corner to see the silhouettes of two forms in the dim light. As my vision adjusted I saw that the figures were Lauren and Twyst.

Lauren was writhing on the floor in pain. Twyst was standing over her with a gloating sneer on his face and a revolver in his hand. He had obviously taken her by surprise with one of his patented rabbit punches to the kidney. The poor thing would be passing blood for at least a week if she survived.

I started to creep toward them when Twist turned and sneered, "I would think better of it, Moonlight, unless you wish to carry her brains around in a sack."

"Just back off, Twyst. Leave her alone, and I'll let you go," I said as I tried to inch close enough to jump him.

"I think not, Moonlight. Just stop there. I mean business," he sneered in reply.

"Come one, Twyst. You know you can't win this fight. Just let the dame go, and you can walk out of here. I'll even admit that you won."

"Tempting, Moonlight, but I don't think so. I'm going to blow The Door, and then get out of here using this tomato for shield. I think that will be sweeter revenge."

"Blow the gate, Twyst, and you're stuck in here with us."

"Once again wrong, Moonlight. I have a small modem set up in the other room. It's not overly powerful, but with the techs so involved at The Door I can start punching my way out. Then Mr. Bates will detect it from the outside and give me the rest of the power I need."

"So, Moonlight, I will finally get the victory I so richly deserve over you. You have never acknowledged just how much better I am than you. Now you will have to. I know..."

He never finished the sentence. From behind me I heard a soft cackle of laughter and saw a silver star whiz by my head and knock the gun from Twyst's hand.

At the same time Lauren whirled around placed a savage kick to his right knee cap.

I was on him quicker than a dog on a cat in heat. I cocked him a good one on the jaw with the roll of quarters in my right hand. He went out like a burnt light bulb. I jumped to my feet to face who threw the star.

There was no need. It was The_Really_Old_Guy. His eyes gleamed with amusement as he gave me a short bow.

"Mr. Moonlight!" Lauren exclaimed, "The villain managed to set off the timer on the bomb while we subdued him. I do believe we have only sixty seconds to disarm it!"

We sped into the other room. On the far side we saw a small black box with a red blinking light. In front of it was a keyboard. Lauren sat down and started stroking keys like two teenagers sparking.

"It is a complicated sequence, Mr. Moonlight. We have fifty seconds left, and it will take me approximately forty-five seconds to enter the code," she said.

I stood helplessly watching her fingers fly over the keyboard. Time was almost up when she paused.

"What's wrong, doll?" I asked.

"I have a photographic memory, Mr. Moonlight, but sadly I am also dyslexic. The last number. Quickly, would you enter 6 or 9?" she replied.

"Uh, I guess 6."

She nodded and hit the 9 key. The light went out like a pug boxer in the third round.

"I could always count on you to be wrong, Mr. Moonlight," she said with a mischievous grin.

We looked each other in the eye and collapsed in laughter on the floor.

"Quite the adventure, Mr. Moonlight," she said when she calmed down.

"Yes, it was, sweetheart," I answered.

I lit up two coffin nails, kept one, and handed the other to her. We lay back on the floor enjoying the silence on moment and the damage to our lungs.

I grinned and asked, "Well, was it as good for you as it was for me?"

She smiled and responded, "Yes, Al, I do believe that it was."

 

Chap. 12

 

We stood at the trolley stop, enjoying the quiet of the late morning breeze. The techs had reopened The Door, and GenChat had cleared out faster than your sinuses when you blow your nose. The place was back to what passed for normal in these parts.

"Well, boy, I guess I'm gonna go drinkin' with my new friends," Uncle Elmo said. "Ya sure ya don't want to tag along? Ya used to be one of the best."

I sighed and answered, "I know, Uncle Elmo, but those days are behind me. I can't afford to look back."

"Okay, then why don't ya come on over for Sunday dinner? Ya can even bring that panty waist Twinkletoes if ya want to. We're gonna have carp steak."

"We'll see, Uncle Elmo."

"Guess Gypsy's gonna come with us. Under that dress she's a good ol' boy at heart. 'Sides she can lick any man I ever met."

Gypsy smiled and added, "In more ways than one, hun. We'll catch you around town, Albie. *kiss, kiss*"

"Okay, boy. Well, don't let no bears bite yer keister when ya crawl up a tree to lookit the neighbor's daughter through the window," Uncle Elmo said as he gave me one of crushing bear hugs.

Uncle Elmo turned and walked away without even a look back. I had spent my childhood with that man and realized that I had never truly known him, and I prayed to the Big Co-Processor Chip in the Sky that I never would.

Next was The_Really_Old_Guy. He bowed slightly to me grinning with his all-knowing maniacal smile. My hand, which I had reached out to shake his, hung as useless as an extra hind leg on a blue tic hound. I reached up and ran it through my hair instead.

He said quietly, "It has...been a...pleasure...Al_B._Moonlight...I hope...that we will...meet again..."

"Yeah, well don't let them catch you using any slugs in your games, pops," I replied as I lit up a coffin nail. "Say, have you seen Apoth and Daybreak?"

"I do believe...that they have...gone...private...to finish...shall we say...their conversation..."

"Well, it's his funeral. I just hope he's got his virus .dat file updated."

"Al_B._Moonlight...I do believe...that you totally...underestimate...Daybreak...yes she does have...shall we say...a lust for life...but there is more...to her than...you care to admit..."

"Oh, come on, pops. I work for the dame. She makes Paris Island seem like a holiday at the ChatWorld Amusement Park."

"Yes...I agree that there...is great sadness...and great bitterness...in her...but perhaps that is...because she once...knew someone...then let that someone go...and has found it to be...a mistake...but knows of...no way...to rectify...the situation...and there could be…more…"

"And who would that be, pops? She's known so many."

"Ah...but only few...have ever captured...her heart...and the similarities between them...are remarkable...

"I must go...it is a long walk...back to...the Eastend...farewell, Al_B._Moonlight..."

He disappeared down the street like a dangling participle. I had thought The_apothecary was an odd man, but The_Really_Old_Guy made him look like your

everyday joe in the cyburbs with a car, a ChatV, and 2.1345 rug rats climbing the curtains to snitch crumbs.

I turned to Lauren and said, "Well, sweetheart, here's your trolley. I have to admit that I've enjoyed working with you. I had my doubts, but you are one tough cookie, doll."

She smiled and replied, "You too, Mr. Moonlight. Perhaps we shall work together again. There is much more to you than I would have ever cared to admit.

You are actually not a bad character...for a man."

She reached over, softly kissed me on the cheek, and whispered in my ear, "Al, things became a little heavy between us a couple of times. If you ever attempt anything like that again..."

"Yes, Lauren?"

"I will break every bone in your body, Mr. Moonlight."

Without another word, she boarded the trolley. I stood watching as she sat down. She smiled out the window and held up my watch. The vehicle started, and soon she was gone.

I stood for a few minutes smiling at the trolley as it disappeared into the haze of the distance. I figured I'd be seeing Ms. Bloodcall sooner than she expected. I looked down at my hand where I held her wallet, the keys to her loft, and her chat id.

I headed back to my office. With any luck Twink would be waiting for me. Lauren had just enough dough in her wallet that Twink and I could have a nice evening out.

Some days life wasn't too bad at all.